NNF 1316 – Jake Johannsen
Jakethis of Jake Johannsen
00 – Hello everyone! In 1813 we took a little trip. (Google search.) Jake Johannsen is here today. Apparently my mic went radioactive near my cock. Jimmy was a chronic masturbater. He also went to sears to buy tv/vhs combos, to record survivor on show nights then watch and return the set the next day.
Richard Hatch went to jail for 3 years for Tax Evasion.
05 – Jimmy did his Half-marathon yesterday! Thanks to Michael Centerberg (sp?) and his wife for hooking him up with the half/marathon. He thought his wife would look like a battle axe but instead she was very attractive. Jimmy says VIP is the way to go with these marathons! Anne B. Davis was 43 when Brady Bunch started, not sure what her character age was.
10 – Jimmy was ready for a full marathon until he hit 8 miles. He’s good after that. Do pro runners piss themselves while they run?? Jimmy used the porta-pottys. One of the bands on the route was playing Chicago. Jimmy said it was tons for fun. He had some trouble at mile nine when both his knee and ankle wanted to go out. Jimmy interviewed for the aspca website, which he doesn’t know anything about. Matt wonders if she thought Jimmy was Johnny Blogsalot. Jimmy said she thought he was Johnny Hilton, Perez’s brother.
15 – Jimmy doesn’t think he’ll do a marathon but does have the urge to do another half. A full marathon is a life change. A half, is a couple hours a day. Jimmy’s in for a Forest Gump run across America. Jimmy also wonders why Mario and Luigi are making such a big come back. Too many of them at the race. Matt and Elise are dressing as them. Jimmy wants them to pull the plug. Zoe loves Mario! They play Mario Party and New Super Mario Wii U. Nintendo hit the US in 1985. Oliver loves Thriller! Jimmy was making oliver laugh by answering the “Who ya gonna call?” question with a frustrated “ghost busters!”
20 – Is a 7 years old too young for a freddy Krueger costume? Do kids today know who the ghostbusters are? No one can guess what Jimmy’s costume was. Debra Winger was on Alec Baldwin’s talk show. Jimmy says Alec is a great actor!
25 – His costume was Pope John Paul II. He was 13. He made it himself! Matt thinks he went as a goblin that carried a gourd. Thanks again to Michael and his wife Kimberly at the marathon! Jimmy wanted to beat a girl’s time at conan which was 2:28:50. She’s the only other person he knows who did a half marathon so he wanted to beat her. Jimmy’s time official was 2:14:30. He says by his watch is was 2:12. Matt wants Jimmy to pee himself next time. Get in the zone. Eliot says that’s a habit you don’t want to start. Apparently someone wondered about jogging in a diaper: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130814175730AAIhTL4
We’ll be back!!
30 – We’re back! 1316! Jake Johannsen is here! Eliot and I had a yard sale! Jimmy and Jake had not met yet. Jimmy used his tickets to see David Letterman when Jake was a guest on there. This was right after 9/11. Jake had changed his hair. He thinks fat comics are most recognized. Eddie Gossling is married to Megan Mooney. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_Gossling. They do indeed have a son named Oliver.
35 – I posted my yard sale 5 times to many per matt. The Jim Pardo FB page is for close friends and family ONLY. Jake doesn’t take messages on FB. He broadcasts only. Jimmy says that Eliot would be stabbed and buried by the 4th mile on a cross country trip with them. Eliot interrupted a riff and incurs Jimmy’s wrath! Jake did Letterman 42 times!
Jimmy asks if Jake is reading the new Carson book written by his lawyer (http://www.amazon.com/Johnny-Carson-Henry-Bushkin/dp/0544217624/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382991310&sr=8-1&keywords=johnny+carson+by+henry+bushkin). Alan Havey says it’s terrific. This book confirms everything we’ve heard about Johnny being a dick. No strip clubs when Jimmy and Jake head cross country. Or maybe just get the caddy naked.
40 – Yard sales are nightmares. Jimmy doesn’t agree with self-promoting the yard sale gives me the stamp of approval. Jake says go ACDC to play at the garage sale. Good bonfire music. Bon Scott died of inhaling his vomit and a drug overdose.
45 – Jake meets enough strangers to not need to meet people over a yard sale. Jake likes the idea of selling something expensive and giving it to a food bank. Jimmy gives stuff to goodwill or a shelter. Jimmy describes a hipster in Jake’s piss jacket as twirling his handlebar mustache in a pea jacket. Jake got stung by something in the ocean and his wife peed on him right there on the beach. Helped instantly.
50 – I cleared over $600 at the yard sale. Jimmy says my friend Elias wasn’t referential enough. Jake tells about a kid he knew who would simulate entire baseball seasons with dice, leagues, world series, etc. he is a chemical engineer now. Jake says if kids today did that they’d get injected with something. Everyone is disappointed that finding out that the Amityville horror is a big hoax.
55 – Moon landing a hoax? Matt doesn’t understand why people don’t believe it. Jimmy maintains that 9/11 never happened. He sees those buildings every day on Kojack. Jimmy worked with a Jerry Miner in vegas who made him laugh everytime he’d walk passed a dealer and ask if they accepted Player’s Club. Jeff Garlin is a friend and we wish him luck with his 47 shows. Jake thinks Curb Your Enthusiasm will end with a school shooting or a post office shooting. Jimmy wonders what happened with good old fashioned.
60 – Eliot made $28.50. Elias made $27. I made over $600. I neglected to get water for Jake. Sorry! Jimmy loves doing the bob and tom shows. Jake wants to hang a Jimmy painting and he’ll put it right next to the Tom Wilson paintings. Stamps.com guys!
65 – Carollas front page is all sponsors. Jake invites Jimmy to be on his podcast. He confirms he only has a bunny and that the bunny is never in the “pod room.” Jimmy is not comfortable with that phrase. WWCHD? What Would Christ Hardwick Do? Start having NNF Studios mentioned on the shows that record here. If you go to tony sopranos wedding you say hello matter how bad your gift is.
70 – Jake excited to hear that he’s welcome on the Jim Pardo facebook. Jimmy may have blacked out on that facebook description. Jimmy and Jake love magic! They were both into it as kids. Jimmy doesn’t want to know how any of it is done. Jimmy knows it isn’t “magic” but he doesn’t want to spoil the magic.
75 – Guy tried to fake $50 on my at the yard sale. I sold all my dvds for $500. Nice haul!
We’ll be back!
We’re back! Eliot caught off guard. That’s it for the yard sale. Jimmy liked how we handled the counterfeit money. Spinning it so that guy is the victim.
80 – was 9/11 magic?! Matt says David Copperfield was questioned afterwards. If an elephant went on Johnny Carson once his career would be made. Jake was on 4 tonight shows with Johnny and more with Jay guest hosting. Jimmy saw Steve Allen at a DMV boring a poor woman to death. He still holds a grudge about it.
Jimmy a little afraid that podcasting becomes comedy in 1989, way too many and causing a backlash. Jake doesn’t think it will go away. We have our own core fans and build off that. Movie Stars doing TV shows means TV stars take Game Show hosting. Stay off TV Brad Pitt! We’re talking to you James Franco!
85 – Jake can’t stand people talking in the theater. Jimmy can’t either but he knows he’ll never do anything about it. Danielle is great at telling people to come up. Jimmy knows if he says anything it’ll sound like Shut the fuck up! And he’ll get a knife in the eye. Jake calls The Artist, “When will you be done with that fucking pocorn?!” Danielle is a popcorn bag rummager.
90 – Jimmy thought Jake started comedy in Iowa. Not true. Jimmy has never worked at the Funny Bone in St. Louis. Maria Bamford is doing Tues/Thurs shows and everyone is coming to see her. Jake considering selling a childhood toy on ebay. Matt suggests selling the leather jackets. Jake sells T-Shirts that say “I am Happy.” And “My Vagina is Driving Me Nuts.” Fat guys and lesbians like them. He uses Apple Shirts in Venice.
95 – Jimmy might come up a little short on platinum at AA this year. He’s panicking! He’s taken flights just to push the mileage over. Last year he was able to pay money to close the gap. Jake gets corporate gigs. Jimmy says Conan is his regular corporate gig and he loves it. Matt doesn’t travel often but was going to take advantage of one of Chip Chinnery’s miles offers and passed on it. Jimmy isn’t gonna fly on Southwest. He isn’t an animal.
100 – Jake talks about a group where you could get all sorts of info and deals from frequent flyers nerds. He said with 110,000 miles you can go on three trips for fun! Jimmy and Jake think one kid is enough. Matt thought the same until they had the second.
So many sports sex innuendos. Jake’s daughter is 9yo and is already telling her mom she hates her. Jake said if his daughter moves in after college she has to keep the room the same way as when she was a kid. Jimmy said he slept on his childhood bed when he lived with his parents doing comedy. It was bad for his back.
Jimmy and Jake both give stamps of approval to Tempurpedic Mattresses. Matt just got a bamboo pillow. The inside is like chunks of memory foam pillows. Jake talks about someone, maybe Sammy davis jr, buying new socks every day. Actually it looks like it was Jerry Lewis.
105 – rumor has it the wayans only wear their clothes one time. I can’t confirm or deny this. White people need to take it up a notch! Black people DRESS UP for a show. Jake uses SquareSpace for his site, he does it all himself. He says it’s easy. Jimmy says Good for square space.
110 – Jimmy and Jake apparently have one fan in common. he told Jake that Jimmy was a fan and talked about him and he should go on the show. Jake listened to the show about Jake and Barry Manilow. Jake gets a free season pass as a guest of the show!
Jakes daughter is dressing up as Renesme from Twilight. Oliver is going as Batman. Last year was Robin. Next year already planning to be Riddler. Zoe is going as Ariel with legs except scary! Matt called it Scariel. Charlie is being forced to be Elmo.
115 – Gays made Halloween ok for adults again! Jake is dressing up like Dr. Cullen. Jimmy’s neighborhood is not a trick or treat neighborhood. Jake and Jimmy both go to different neighborhoods than their own to trick or treat. Matt’s neighborhood IS one of those neighborhoods that people travel to to go trick or treating.
Don’t park in front of Jimmy’s house! Park in front of your own house. Jimmy had to block his driveway with his trash cans because this guy parked in front of his house.
120 – Jake had a creepy homeless guy living in front of his house. The police couldn’t do anything. They basically just put him on the ground and scared him off but he ended up breaking a taillight on Jake’s wife’s car. Luckily after the cop incident he disappeared. Jimmy thinks they have people living in an RV on his street. Jimmy’s TV is so nice he thought he was having lunch with Duke Lavery, turns out it was just General Hospital.
Jake still has a picture tube TV. Jimmy doesn’t like the sound of this TV at all. Jimmy wonders why anyone buys mazdas, Mitsubishis, or suburus. Jake and Matt praise Subaru. Jake wonders about how Kia became a big hit. Kia is run by the son of the guy who runs Hyundai. The luxury Kia is the Kia Cadenza. Jimmy drives an Infiniti which is part of Nissan.
125 – Jimmy loves an old black man talking at a barber shop. Jimmy went to a barber got a bad haircut and cut him loose. Apparently, Jimmy goes to a supercuts in Beverly Hills. Jake says the guy at Fancy Jerry’s trained at supercuts. Jimmy wants to know where Fancy Jerry’s is. Jake admits to cutting his hair with a Flobee. He’s the guy who bought a flobee. Jimmy refuses to believe it. Jake offers to give Jimmy a haircut with it. Jimmy might take him up on that.
130 – What’s wrong with me you can’t see it. – Jake. Matt is coming around to the flobee. Jake is offering flobee haircuts. Jimmy got a Manual Lawnmower that turned out to not be as fun as he thought it would be and louder than expected. Apparently santa monica passed a low banning leaf blowers.
Broom on the hardstuff, rake on the dirt!
We’re done! Jake has enjoyed himself! We’re glad to have Jake on this show!
– Garon/The Thief/Cuban Defector/Scout/The Beast