1326 – Closing Out the Season with Pete Holmes

Pete Holmes, of the Pete Holmes show, starring Pete Holmes

Pete Holmes, of the Pete Holmes show, starring Pete Holmes

In-Studio notes by Garon Cockrell

NNF 1326 – Pete Holmes



00 – Hello!  Welcome to NNF!  Jimmy’s got a Pat Francis sharpie.  San Francisco Feb 1 Matt thinks Pat will have plenty.

End of the season!  End of an era!  1401 starts our Earwolf partnership.  Player’s Club Baby!  Video for both weekly episodes, plus bonus episodes!  We can’t show off the t-shirt for legal reasons.  Kojak Baby!  Parody baby!   Jump on the VIP Player’s Club and get your shirt and membership card.  The card’s gonna be “sockworthy.”  It’ll impress the ladies.   Show it off!  Try to use it at stores.

Contractor watch!  New gutters on Jimmy’s house as his were falling apart.  Guys came today to install them.  Apparently the fascia (sp?) is rotted and all needs to be replaced.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fascia_(architecture)

05 – Jimmy thinks the surviving Beatles stabbed George Harrison for “I’ve Got My Mind Set on You.”

Apparently one part of the fascia is in perfect shape.

Toner is still used in copiers and laser printers.

10 – Matt’s got new shoes.  Not satisfied with them.  Jimmy’s got some boots that are made for walking.  Frank Sinatra did not serve in the military.  He was classified as 4-F for a perforated eardrums.

Jimmy saw and enjoyed Saving Mr. Banks which he called Saving Private Poppins.

15 – The actress Jimmy is referring to is Melanie Paxson.  She’s 41.   http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0601609/?ref_=tt_cl_t12

Jimmy did his night half-marathon.  Started off with some steep hills and through the area around Dodger Stadium, the forests, the park and back into the stadium around the warning track.  Then more hills.    Around 11 ½ mile mark he twisted his knee and had to walk nearly the rest of the way.

20: Time guesses:  me 2:25.  Eliot: 2:37   Matt: 2:42

His time: 2:29:59! Or 2:30:16 according to the race people.

Sit and shut! Our guest is here!

Jimmy was late.  There was traffic.  Eliot messed up the freeways when he texted Jimmy the info.  Jimmy still got it.  STILL no chair though.   It’s on the cart though!  Eliot has a cart so he doesn’t need assistance from anyone in the complex.

25 – You’re welcome is not the proper end to that explanation Eliot.  I’m sorry is per Jimmy.

Pete Holmes is here!

No contractor updates yet.  “They’re coming over Jim.” – Eliot trying to do Jimmy’s Chicago.  If Jimmy’s eyes had fists they’d be punching eliot.

Jimmy’s rant interrupted by a contractor update.  He’s on the roof!

We’ll be back with Pete Holmes and Gloria Estefan!

We’re back with the great Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine.

30 – Pete is doing his Michael Winslow impression of Gloria Estefan.   He does a nice helicopter and a bird.  Molar drill.  Not bad at all!

Jimmy James Old Timey Son of a Bitch – Pete Holmes.  Pete drives a VW.

He signs at the end!  Cuban stand off!  He signed the release.  Show goes on. Pete writes his first 2014!

Pete got his handwriting analyzed.  He thought it was accurate.  “You don’t follow the rules you set.”

35 – We should all wears shoes.  We’re not hill people.  Pete loves a flip-flop.   Back to Pete’s car.   Jimmy guesses 2011 CC.  Pete says he isn’t that fancy.  Jetta’s are for hot girls and gay guys.   His car: 2011 Golf!  A golf says you have a decent amount of money and that you’re not flashy.

Pete wants a Porche SUV.  Like a golf but bigger.  Porche Cayenne.  http://www.porsche.com/usa/models/cayenne/

How to pronounce Porche: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RLg0xw_4bo

40 – Contractor update!  Price quote:

Pete has opened the floor for questions.  Eliot asks if he has considered a VW Tourig.  Pete did VW commercials and sat in bunch of cars.  He says the tourig is wonderful.

Jimmy misses his VW.   Jimmy thinks Pete is great with sounds not accents.

The Best or Nothing – Mercedes.  Jimmy likes the Buick, VW, and Infiniti better than the Mercedes.  Jimmy also likes the new Lincoln MKZ.

45 – Pete thinks status symbols are almost over.  Jimmy looked into Tesla’s lease options.  He’s paying $650 month essentially for his car.  You cannot lease a Tesla for that month.  It might even out with tax rebates but out of pocket it’s a grand.


Pete had a credit card his parents paid into his 20s.   His golf is paid for!  It feels good.

Never Not Driving a Tesla.

Jimmy put a pink mustache on his car and has people waving at him.  Doesn’t understand why.

50 –  Jimmy doesn’t know how to yes and Pete’s jesus bit.  “that joke is youth group ready.” – Pete Everyone in this country is worshiping a josh – Pete.

Great update for his roof.  Thousands cheaper and done tomorrow.

55 – New year New Season!  Jimmy will clean house!

Once high Pete guessed the number of clocks in a room…14.

Pete’s a flexible vegan.

You can frame a cow for a crime with a take five.

60 – Super nice compliments from Jimmy!  Pimps me out to Pete for a job!

65 – Paul Frederick shirts $19.99.  http://www.paulfredrick.com/?sc=YHD1GB  Eliot’s here!  Pete loves the idea of a bidet.  He’d love to be able to hose off his asshole.   Who doesn’t give the balls and the ass a little spritz with a shower head.    Jimmy is onboard with peppermint soap on his tookus.

70 – Pete makes his own soap.   Peppermint oil extract: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_17?url=search-alias%3Dhpc&field-keywords=peppermint%20oil%20extract&sprefix=peppermint+oil+ex%2Caps%2C241

Pete does a Jack McBrayer impression.   Jimmy does his also.  It’s flawless!

Break time!  Listen to these plugs for Pete!

75 – Welcome back guys!  Pete and Jimmy left the room for a few minutes.  I didn’t hear what they talked about so don’t ask!

Pete talks about how everyone shit on Aziz when they were coming up.  Pete does his Aziz and Chapelle.  Pete talks about the good and bad ways of talking shit.

Pete loves roasts!

80 – Jimmy is not going to tolerate coming into his house, his DOJO, and making short jokes.   They did a roast of Jimmy for a bachelor party.  No short jokes.  Pete loves a roast and to be roasted but not by people he doesn’t know (IE Twitter.)

Uh oh…Jimmy is real close to joining twitter.  Super close.

Pete is just a knucklehead!

Jimmy is gun shy on his first tweet.  Wants it to be perfect.

First tweet coming!

85 – Jimmy learning twitter on air is making Pete’s dick soft.

90 – Jimmy is agonizing about his first tweet.  Mentions snapchat.  Pete is against snap chat.  If you’re giving someone a naked picture let them enjoy it.  Pete recommends photo vault to keep your private picture stash private.

The guys sing That Beaver That You Know So Well.

More Sinatra talk.

Bing Crosby’s eldest son wrote a highly critical book about him.  “depicting his father as cruel, cold, remote, and both physically and psychologically abusive.” – wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bing_crosby

95 – Pete is not a fan of Frank Sinantra.  At.  All.  Or maybe he is?  I don’t know!   Both Jimmy and Pete love Bill Burr’s hating Steve Jobs bit.

Pete equates drinking to tribal masks.

100 – Jimmy is fine with Pete burning down his childhood home.   He’s not in it anymore.  Jimmy recommends not dissing Sinatra on his show.  The family will come for him.  One of them wears boots for which to walk over you with.

Jimmy wonders if Pete’s show is gonna go on the road.  Pete would love to do that.  Pete Holmes Show picked up for 13 weeks!

Pete can’t stand waiting while the warm up guys are going so he gives them like 10 minutes before he comes out.  He feels like he has to come out and win them over.   He does lots of interaction with the audience.

Great discussion about conan and the shows.  Apparently Johnny Carson was a prick AND a Heckler!

Bruce Smirnoff and Yakoff Smirnoff are not related but Bruce has a great Carson story.

Corporate gigs can go bad because everyone in the audience knows each other.   Pete doesn’t want to have perfect shows all the time.  He uses the bad shows to fuel the next six good shows.

Jimmy feels like his bomb shows now are the just okay shows.  Jimmy disagrees with seinfeld’s idea that it’s you not the audience.  Jimmy, and Pete, feel like it IS the audience.

115 – Jimmy does a sea serpent with his arm.  Here there be monsters!   Pete wonders if the old timey map drawer really was warning about monsters or just doodling.

Never not done?

Pete talks about some singer on acid and we’re done.

Pete Holmes Show returns 2/24!!

Garon sounds like where you have to get through to get to Mordor.

My Pleasure,

– Garon/The Thief/Cuban Defector/Scout/The Beast