1317 – Soap Opera Rundown with Dave Holmes

Dave Holmes - slightly cross but very fit!

Dave Holmes – slightly cross but very fit!

NNF 1317 – Dave Holmes



00 – Helllooo!  Welcome to Never Not Funny as forgotten to be mentioned by Jimmy.  Matt’s rocking the beard that ages him about 50 years.  Jimmy says it deadens his face.  9 colors.   Matt’s got dead face apparently.   Jimmy assists Matt is fixing his teeth.   He gives matt a compact to check it out.   He got it!

Pardcastathon right around the corner!  11/29.  Pardcast.com!  Ebay and IN SHOW auctions!  I have awesome friends!  We shot a movie this weekend!

05 – Eliots new blog:  http://pardcast.com/blog/?p=660#comments.  2 spots 1 car.    Jimmy thought 2 girls 1 cup was drinking jizz from a cup.  He’s learned the truth.

10 – Jimmy thinks his across the street neighbor has five cars.  They all have vanity plates with the same thing on them plus a number.   Peach Mangosteen!

Lot of friends and family came out for Jimmy’s show in Chicago.   Including a former high school classmate.  Also Joe and Mike Gentleman!  What a name!  Joe was on the golf team with Jimmy.   Jimmy tells a story about how they both were the lead players for a tournament.  They kept teasing each other back and forth on who was #1 or #2.   Jimmy ran into the coach when he was 20 and he was again an asshole to him.

15 – Rainbow Bridge led to the demise of Jimmy’s golf career.  That and the coach hated him.  Pick up NNF Volume One for the back story on Jimmy’s golf excursions!  Matt’s quote was an Emerson quote: “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.”  Jimmy was boarded early on his flight to Chicago.    He was at Terminal 4 when the shooting happened at Terminal 3.

20 – The pilot and the flight crew had no idea this had happened.   Disembark is the term to get off the plane.  Jimmy is barking.   Jimmy compliments eliot’s Nixon Collie reference.   At this point in Jimmy’s story the plane is trying to leave 15 minutes early.  Meanwhile a guy runs on the flight screaming into his phone about what happened.  He had run from Term 3 to Term 4 to get on this plane.

25 – Chatty 3D is matt’s favorite rapper.   Jimmy still doesn’t know how their plane was able to take off.   All told, the plane left 3 minutes early.  Jimmy not at all involved in it but now has a LAX shooting story.

30 – Jimmy was on the first flight to leave LAX after 9/11 also.    He had great fun in Chicago!  Try going to Chicago having a clear fluid diet.  Diverticulitis issues.   Go by Gibsons and get yourself a steak! – Hotel Concierge.  Toby Keiths I Love This Bar should be called Dumbs or Racists.

Dave Holmes is our guest!!

35 – Jimmy likes Julianne Hough.  A little girl pushed Oliver down!  He didn’t understand why.  Eliot’s here, Matt’s here.  Hello Dave Holmes!!  One of our top five favorite guests and he can’t use straws apparently.   Super skinny Dave Holmes!  He loves Cross-fit but some of the people and community he doesn’t like.  He might be slipping into the cultish side of it though!  Apparently, you can lift yourself to death!?  It’s like 1998 in his cross fit location.  Mark Paul Gosselar and Ian Ziering frequent his place.  Farnsworth Bentley also!  Tim from Psych.  Jimmy’s mom likes it.   In Plain Sight was the USA Show about witness protection.

40 – Soap people also frequent Dave’s gym but not from GH.   Four soaps remain on the air: General Hospital, Days of our Lives, Young and the Restless, and Bold and the Beautiful.  Dave has started watching Coronation Street, says the people are ugly.   Jimmy needs Dave to lean back, wonders if he did coke before he came in.  Aggressive Crossfit Dave!

45 – Tons of Soap talk!  Vincent Irizarry got his start in daytime television in 1983 as Brandon/Lujack Luvonaczek Spaulding on Guiding Light.  Dave loves All My Children and regales us with plenty of plot updates.  Jimmy then updates us on the happenings of General Hospital.  Jimmy disagrees with Dave’s opinion of Finola Hughes.  Dave thinks ian Buchanan plays for our team!

50 –  Finally revealed the Emerson quote!  Dave brought a couple Chris Trapper CDs.  Chris Trapper sang on Ellis Paul’s live album.  Chris Trapper is the singer from The Push Stars http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_trapper

Dave only has a Macbook Air.   Jimmy does a great me.

55 – Different vibe at NNF tonight.  Dave calls it NNF after dark with a Charlie Rose vibe.  Lorraine Newman (Sp?) apparently likes Skrillex?!  Jimmy asks If skrillex is the mouse.   Jimmy said he heard him at the abbey.    No more Skrillex at Dave’s gym!

Kelsey Grammar fall:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuQAEVLljF4

Skrillex fall: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x10dgig_skrillex-violently-hits-his-head-and-falls_news

60 – Celeb sighting on Jimmy’s flight!  Jimmy didn’t get an upgrade and was pissed when he saw a kid in first class.   Jimmy had to sit next to the 2 biggest men in the world.  One had the window, the other had the middle.  Jimmy was crushed into his own seat because of it for 4 hours.  He had a guy get up next to him and start stretching like right next to his head also got hit in the head by a back pack.   Celeb sighting!  Here we go!

65 – John Lithgow!!  He recognized Jimmy!  Matt recalls a time when he had to lead John Lithgow into the UCB for Doug Loves Movies through a disgusting piss and grease filled alleyway for the side entrance.  Matt describes it as Clammy.  Dave has a celeb sighting!   Breaking Bad destroyed Dave’s September.   Concences is that it is very dark to watch all at once.  That week decompression is needed.   Dave saw a family running up Hudson in NY and this kid licks a street pole.  The father asked his son of he licked it, defeated.  The dad is:

70 – The sequel to the breakfast club is the breakfast counter.  Eliot guesses Zach Ward from Christmas Story.  Jimmy confirms it’s not Platoon or Deer Hunter.  Guys it’s BIOpic not BiOPic.  The answer to Dave’s celebrity sighting is:  Phillip Seymour Hoffman!

75 – You’re being too hard on yourself Jimmy.  There is rumours that Harper Lee did not write TO Kill A Mockingbird but that Truman Capote did.   She wrote one book and five articles.   One hit wonder chat!  Living in a Box, Dexy’s Midnight Runners.  Like, omigod!  http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_11?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=like%20omigod%20the%20’80s%20pop%20culture%20box&sprefix=like+omigod%2Caps%2C369&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Alike%20omigod%20the%20’80s%20pop%20culture%20box

80 – Jimmy enjoys first wave on Sirius but doesn’t think blondie or the cars are first wave.   Jimmy thinks Matt is making a mistake not getting his Sirius.  Annoying Sirius thing: they talk up the following song but the next song “we’ll hear that right after this one!”   Dave annoyed by the terrible commercials on Sirius.  Jimmy hates the hopper commercial, Dave hates the chuck woolery commercial.   He hates how he says Breath and “it’nt greazey.”

85 – The chuck woolery commercial is Smart Mouth.  A fan called into the Sirius comedy by request requesting to hear some Mike Schmidt comedy and the DJ did not know who that was.   Too much red foxx!    What truckers are writing in to hear more red foxx?  Elderly black truckers apparently.  Dave talks about TV One and how Saturday is 8 gimme a breaks and 8 sandford and son.  Jimmy make so uncomfortable by Nell Carter on Match Game shaking her boobs that it negates her entire career.  Also, apparently her vagina fell off.

90 – Jimmy compliments Eliot Matt disagrees and debate ensues!

95 – It seems Nell Carter’s clit was either burnt off, ripped off, or fell off from too much cocaine into the vagina.   Oldies music chat!  Dave bored by people like Bobby Darin.    Box office results: http://www.boxofficemojo.com/weekend/chart/.  “I’m comfortable with Ender’s game doing Golden Compass numbers.” – Guy on deadline comments.  Dave assumes they all die in vegas in the movie Last Vegas.

100 – Dave loves Dawes.  So does Jimmy.   Dave saw them at the Life is beautiful festival.   Apparently Marilyn Monroe was considered a rat pack mascot?  Dave says The Killers were amazing.  Apparently Dawes are amazing and Dave loves the lead singer.  They traded tweets and ended up meeting!  Dave is going to follow them around the country.  Dawes had his #1 album of 2011.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dawes_(band)  Here is the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqhRK_g7WJc

105 – Dave went off the apple reservation to get a HTC phone.  Hated it.  Went back to a 5S.  could only find a gold one.   Dave’s FX show got canceled so he is unemployed now.

110 – Dave is on Paleo.  Can’t eat bread, grains, dairies, or sugars, no legumes.  STEAK!   Jimmy sick of the word hashtags.  Matt wonders if he’ll come to his new breakfast restaurant Hashtags!  Jimmy doesn’t buy the paleo and says so with his Chicago accent!

115 – “I will never be able to do this as well as Beverly Archer.” – Girl from Jimmy’s acting class.

120 – Oliver got about a ¼ bag full of candy in Hancock Park.   What is a switch witch!?  Switch your candy for a gift?! Oliver loves Whoppers!  Matt doesn’t like, too dry.   Matt enjoys the Dark Side Skittles.   The guys prefer the miniature reeses to the regular.  Dave likes the big cup frozen.   I think Dave’s 90s cover band was Empire Records.  https://www.facebook.com/empirerecordsband.  Dave brings up Chuckles, a candy I’ve never heard of.   They still exist!  http://www.oldtimecandy.com/chuckles.htm Fuck you goobers!  Dave also hates Hershey special dark.

125 – This is the worst conversation.   Dave is gonna get Dawes on the pardcastathon.

Pardcastathon 11/29!!  Get ready!  Noon – 1AM!  13 Hours!  13 in 13!

Nothing else to promote.  We are the worst business men.    NNF in Austin Texas, 12/8!

You’re welcome children!

See ya next time!

My Pleasure,

– Garon/The Thief/Cuban Defector/Scout/The Beast