1313 – Patton Oswalt and the Arm Ripping Thresher

Patton Oswalt

NNF 1313 – Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

http://www.pattonoswalt.com

00 – Hello everybody!  Jimmy does not like the way he sounds today!    Jimmy’s got some allergens happening.  They’re killing him.  Jimmy’s car is full of cash magnets.    BRB Guys Pill run!

05 – I’m back!  With Benadryl!  Really fun show at Podfest.  Jimmy made the mistake of moving to a smaller venue.   Thought he was being nice giving a different show the big room since they had some former TV stars.   Jimmy said he underestimated how popular we’d be…at a podcast festival.    Sign up for primo!  NNF is coming to Austin!  December 7.  Sunday NNF matinee!  Who does Austin root for?

10 –  Come on out Austin!  Jimmy sees the blimp nearly every day.   He sees it parked!   Jimmy watched another kojak episode.  Jimmy sees the blimp too much.  He’s over it.  But he still wants to fly in one.  Find a way to make it happen.  Yolo baby!

15 – Made a door run to check for the guest.   So I missed whatever grass stuff they’re talking about.  Eliot is 0 and 5 in his fantasy football league.   Eliot doesn’t even like football!  He’s in a league with some NNF fans.

20 – Jimmy says its perfect that Eliot’s stat is 0/5.  It fits his show character perfectly.   It’d be perfect if he was in first or in last.  Annoying asshole winning, sad sack losing.   Eliot picked a running back first.  He doesn’t remember who it was.   Jimmy said people like Eliot and Chip Chinery should be best at fantasy sports because they go through the numbers.   Door run!

25 – Don’t be upset with Obama about the amber alert being down.  And if you think it’s Obama or harry reid’s fault for the shutdown you’re dumb.

30 – We are back!  Episode 1313.  Jimmy doesn’t play the lotto he wears pants.  But he does it off the cuff sometimes.   He dreamed a dream and then had his child taken away from him.    Chino Hills high school came up in the Les Mis cast recording lottery.   Little Johnny Whitaker did a terrific job in the role our buddy Wolverine did.  (Hugh Jackman).    Chino Hills has the longest running Les Mis  in the country.  I’m here!  Eliot is here, we talked to him enough earlier.  Matt’s here.   Jimmy’s got his groupon he’s going to Amoeba to get his Kojak DVDs!

Our guest is here!  He’s on Jimmy’s favorite show Justified!  He’s still recovering from Johnny Whitaker.   Patton’s a hero for tracking down the owner of a dog that was left in a hot car.

35 – He wanted to unload on her but he didn’t.  Jimmy tells the story of the Baja Fresh incident where he saw the dog in the car.  “Crack a window you high end cunt!”

40 – Bottom line is that Matt is sitting between a couple of heroes!  Patton thinks it should be a pain in the ass to be able to own an animal.   If you don’t want to take care of them then don’t have one.    Patton’s dog is named Grumpus.  It should be a pain in the ass to be able to own a gun, have a kid, or get a pet per Patton.   Jimmy thinks anyone who owns a gun probably has a dog.  Patton says you don’t see a lot of cat ladies with guns.

45 – Garfield wthout (minus) Garfield http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/page/766.  Lincoln was the 16th president.  Garfield the 20th.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Presidents_of_the_United_States

50 – Patton describes William Devane’s teeth as Urinals.  Jimmy really struggling with the allergies!   Patton welcomed to the Doc Holiday podcast and asks if Jimmy wants a handkerchief dipped in lavender.   No conan today so he can recover.  Dr. Appt. at 6p!   Same new fella.

Patton has started hiking and running.  He told this to another guy and he said , “oh running is the worst thing for you. Here’s what I do…” Patton say don’t say that stuff if just said it was helping him.   HE goes on to talk about Michael Shermer debunking airborne.  He said that Airborne only worked as a placebo effect.  But…it worked…

55 – Jimmy says airborne worked for him everytime until he saw the shermer article.   Reason patton goes to the same shrink as his wife, “Who gives a shit.” On whether the medication is working faster than it should.   Jimmy went to see Vinnie Boombotz!   He had a viral thing and his doc said they couldn’t give him anything for it.  He says give him anything and he’ll think it works!    A diagnosis can make people feel better per Patton.  It’s the not knowing what’s wrong with you that makes things worse.  Jimmy loves the airborne chewables.  Patton wants the gummy!   Jimmy will eat a alkaseltzer gummy if he gets hungry.  Patton enjoys the pepto chewables.

60 – Patton loves Rocket Fizz stores!  Jimmy hates neco wafers in his Halloween bag!  Jimmy hated bit o honey but loves them now.  Mary Jane candy is peanut butter and molasses flavor.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Jane_(candy).  Jimmy prefers the fudge tootsie pops to the bubblegum one.   Bubble gum it’s not worth the trip.   Jimmy likes the combo baby!   Tootsie pop flavor: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tootsie_Pops

65 – Dana gould says stop flavoring things!  Tootsie roll flavors: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tootsie_Roll#Alternate_flavors  Jimmy loves a fruity flavored trip.  “It takes all kinds!  No it don’t we just have all kinds.”  Patton quotes a comedian, also “What are old people cooking that stinks so much.”  Mark Voyce.   Jimmy finally met Jake Johanson!

70 – Patton and Jimmy agree that Jake Johanson is extremely funny and smart.  Patton talks about a letterman set Jake did about a kid who got his arms torn off by a thresher.   Jimmy says he has his own unique voice and found it early on!   Patton talks about how it took audiences a few minutes to get on Jake’s wavelength before they started getting it.  Same with Maria Bamford.   Jimmy recounts a pat francis story about a guy asking him for his intro and pat said, I don’t care just say my name Pat Francis.  Announce says Frank Kirkpatrick!   Blink-a-match!   Patton did a show called Buck A Yuck in Maryland.   He called them brutal evenings as it was made up with one headliner and a bunch of barely open mic ready comics.

75 – Jimmy talks about the guy who just scans his scratcher ticket instead of scratching it off.  Talk about losing the fun of it. Jimmy’s other BBall team name was Chinese Cobblers.   Jimmy on 2 benadryl and a zertec.  Patton reveals that when Richard Pryor caught on fire it was a blatant suicide attempt.   He saw it on the Omit The Logic documentary.  Patton really admires Richard Pryor’s work but you discover that he is a fucked up human being.  He had a breakdown on stage at the Aladdin theater in front of dean martin who was in the audience.   He had to burn his life to the ground in order to reinvent himself and his career.

We’ll be right back.

80 – We’re back!  Great break.  We talked about movies and jImmy peed in William Devane’s teeth.  Jimmy did Color Me Mine for the first time.  Patton and Matt both went to the same color me mine type place in the area. Daniele did a teabag holder, jimmy did an electric guitar pencil holder.  Oliver did a skull and crossbones.   Matt did not do one of his own when he took zooey.   There was a guy at the CMM with Jimmy that asked a woman if he could take pictures of her shoes, “I’m a shoe guy.”  Jimmy thinks it was a fetish thing.   Matt asks if it was Daniel Day Lewis, as that’s the only other acceptable way that is okay.   Sometimes Patton wonders what his life would be like if it was just him in a hotel room with a hotpot and some books.

85 – Jimmy suggests becoming a crimefighter instead of sitting around highlighting things.   Jimmy says he’d last a week giving everything up and living in a YMCA.   Fantasy Transient business.  It’s high end so no roaches.  High end so maybe Praying Mantis’.   Patton says as a comedian it’s amazing and weird to be in a new city and not have to have a show to do.  Jimmy was freaking out on his honeymoon because he was so used to going to places to do shows.

90 – Jimmy would do late shows after his sets.  Jimmy says Judgement Night was Jeremy Piven at his best.   Patton talks about all the lame 90s movies he was caught up on (demolition man, the program, the flintstones, etc) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demolition_Man_(film))  Jimmy talks about a worst movie scene from Smokey and the Bandit 3 where they cut out 3  minutes of a 5 minute scene of burt renolds cameo.   Smokey IS the bandit?! (http://www.snopes.com/movies/films/smokeybandit.asp)  Jimmy and Patton talk about the Smokey movies.

95 – Patton talks about creepy KKK scenes in Smokey and the Bandit 3.   Jimmy has never been on board with Dom Deluise.   Patton talks about how careers are launched just from being a guest on the Tonight Show, i.e. dom deluise, steve martin, (Leno on Letterman).   Patton wonders what happened to Jay, he used to be so funny.

100 – Patton compares the Leno/Letterman friendship to superhero/arch enemy relationships.    Jimmy calls comics cartoons and Patton says it’s like a letter opener to his heart.   Jimmy compliments Patton’s Star Wars/marvel filibuster.    Patton says that the landscapes in Ireland/Scotland are so beautiful that they look fake!  The parks and recs folks asked patton to be on one season but he couldn’t do it so he thought they’d never ask him back.  They did bring him back and told him to start talking like he is going to filibuster and amy and john will talk over him.  They just left the camera rolling and didn’t tell him and amy and john didn’t say anything.  He didn’t want to fuck up the scene and get fired so he just kept going and going and going.   Patton loves Parks and rec.   The whole scene was organic.   He says he did Brooklyn Nine-nine and they’re the same way.   There is an entire sequence of patton using the hoop and running towards the horizon while chris pratt and amy poehler were talking but they couldn’t use it.    So much Parks and Rec praise, I really should start watching it.

110 – Patton calls P/R the best written comedy on TV and that Brooklyn Nine-Nine is just getting better and better.  Patton talks about how the mary tyler moore show pilot was disasterous until they changed one line at the start of the episode that a little girl says and it changed the entire tone of the show and saved it.   Jimmy tells Patton to stop using The Simpsons as a reference since he’s never seen it.  One of the best lines of the simpsons was the reference to the Annual Mustache Parade.  Matt recounts his favorite homer moment with a flyer about his bbq.  Jimmy asks if this is all done, “in cartoon?”

115 – Patton sings Tracy Ullman’s single.  We’re done!  What a joy!   Patton confirms on air he will do Pardcastathon!  Jimmy says Jane Lynch looked great on Conan and she is loving life despite the divorce.   Patton loves Jane Lynch and says she was amazing in Role Models.  Jimmy saw her at an airport reading a book waiting to get on a southwest flight.

Godspeed listeners!  Take your airborne!

My Pleasure,

– Garon/The Thief/Cuban Defector/Scout/The Beast