1301 – Don’t Be Rude to Jen Kirkman

Jen Kirkman - resplendent in shades

Jen Kirkman – resplendent in shades

NNF 1301 – Jen Kirkman

00 – Hello! Welcome to the new season! 13th Season! First Episode! Hugh Fink is angry about Pedro Alvarez. Eliot looking exfoliated. Bad fitting t-shirt is Eliot’s favorite shirt. Jimmy confirms it’s ill-fitting shirt. Matt compares it to Mr. Furley’s couch, Jimmy says it looks like a carwash worker shirt. “You want detail?” Welcome to season 13! Gentleman Baby comics first issue out! Hit! #1. “That’s a lot of chest hair, jerk.”

05 – Go fuck yourself comic con nerds! Jimmy calls Dan Katz wet katz after they experiment in the shower. We’re gonna give away a copy of Hit later on. Jimmy hates himself for his Babe Ruth Ruth’s Chris joke. Pat and Jimmy used to get paid to watch talk shows in the afternoons (so did I). Those shows don’t need a warm up comic. “The boy has done his job.” – Bill Cosby about Jimmy’s friend Al, who was a warm up comic.

10 – Jimmy’s friend Al Romas book is called How About A Hand For The Last Guy http://www.amazon.com/How-About-Hand-Last-ebook/dp/B00DF7G7IY/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1373399131&sr=1-1&keywords=how+about+a+hand+for+the+last+guy check it out on Kindle! Sales are through the roof! Thanks everyone! Matt had a nice 9 day vacation. They visited Lake Placid while back east. Not a barn or a shed but an arena. Matt’s still a little jet-lagged. Oliver can pull his own luggage.

15 – Oliver wore a tie-dye shirt in San Diego that was signed by everyone. He told Jimmy to get ready because everyone is gonna want him to sign their shirts (2 people did). Jimmy saw that a friend of oliver’s dad signed Oliver’s shirt and it looks like it said, “Good luck in first grade cunts dad.” Instead of “have fun in first grade! – Clint’s Dad.” Let’s separate those letters Clint’s dad! Doug Benson’s new cd is called Gateway Doug and features Doug’s face over tie-dye. Welcome back stateside, Matt!

20 – Jimmy’s army reserves you go once in your life but you will see combat. His version of The Purge! Jimmy thinks Ben Folds is a has been. Matt disagrees. Matt worried he missed the guest at the door. I think that was me. Eliot has to get to the Jesus Christ Superstar auditions. Jimmy sings a song from the musical, eliot accompanies.

25 – EW best children’s movie (all my guesses are wrong and bad.) The Sound of Music. was Eliot in trouble again for not getting us miked. We appreciate you listeners!! Thanks for subscribing! Dr. Bombay is from Bewitched. The Bewitched theme gives Jimmy the blues because it symbolized the end of the day. Matt laments Sundays meaning it’s almost time for school.

30 – No good cartoons on Sunday. All religious programing that Matt says it is worse that school. He says it’s a little preachy.
Break! We’ll be back!!
We’re back! Welcome back to 1301! First episode of the new season. Jimmy broke guy code in the bathroom. He said hi and nice cock. “Oh yeah nice shoes.” – Jimmy to guy at urinal in the old days. He’s back on the Jawbone! License to Drive is the first movie jimmy yelled at! I’m traumatized by Dad’s yelling at me when I was driving.

35 – Sunglasses comparisons! Also Jen Kirkman is here! Jen Matt and Jimmy now all sporting Sunglasses. Jen takes off the glasses with a wink! We will do a pick-up if Hassellhoff overthrows the government. #corrector. Jen went to the coffee shop and asked for a refreshing summer drink. They gave her something that has 5x more caffeine than coffee. Jen calls eliot’s shirt feminine but not in a David bowie way.

40 – Eliot’s got a brass knuckle ring. Two rings one finger. Jimmy says to spread it around. Jimmy says Jen looking like cool Madonna, Matt says Farrah Fawcett. Matt and Jimmy try Jen’s drink and are not fans. JFK was Assassynated. Got too sassy! Jimmy was gonna do a great joke. Jen thinks there is a government conspiracy about someone who died but can’t remember who. 2Chainz Hochberg! Jimmy was so hot at the Conan golf outing that he was trying to rationalize the alcohol level in Apple Ale.

45 – Jen asks about her set on Conan and if it’s an honor to sit on the couch afterwards. Jimmy calls that a crash out. Jen doesn’t know anyone. Zachary Quinto is no Dolly Parton. Jen rewrites 9 to 5. “Callin n sick what a way to use a sick day.” 5 to 9 – laying in bed trying to figure an excuse. Jimmy says 5 till 9 which is when you call in sick.

50 – Jen remembers who she thought the Government killed: Jon Lennon! Woody Allen chat! Jimmy thinks that his movies aren’t as good since Sun Yi. Jen liked Whatever Works. Everyone liked Midnight in Paris. Caffeine’s kicking in! Jen calls Jimmy seeing the incredible hulk the opposite of his Corey/Corey experience. Jen annoyed by Paul McCartney. She doesn’t like Beatles songs named after songs.

55 – “Too many Krishnas in the room!” Jen is reading Patty Boyd’s book http://www.amazon.com/Wonderful-Tonight-Harrison-Clapton-ebook/dp/B0017T09XQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1373402070&sr=1-1&keywords=patty+boyd
Jen is over hearing about Arrested Development returning. Jimmy wants to go to comic-con for the arrested development panel and take out 400 nerds. Mad Men chat! Possible spoilers. Cheryl Teigs looks like she MAY be an alcoholic. Jen loves the movie Harold Mauldon.

60 – Jimmy hates TMI and Tell Me How You Really Feel. Jen talks about her obsession Lisa from HR. Richard Lewis chat. Jimmy says he is his hero. Jen tweeted she had a crush on Richard Lewis and Sarah Silverman sent to him. Richard Lewis sent her an email saying they would have made love in the 80s and one of them would have been institutionalized. Jen thinks her stuff online isn’t good. Jimmy and Matt disagree.

65 – Kitchen full of krishna’s a Kritchen? Jen used to go to Krishna dinners for free food. No more Krishna’s at the airport? Airport chat. Jen laments a time when you could just walk into an airport and buy a ticket with cash. “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” -Matt to kids.

70 – Someone told Jen that Jimmy had a second kid. Jimmy is one and done in terms of kids. Jen questions the “get what you get” philosophy. Jimmy doesn’t agree with Jen’s 0-3 psychology theories. Says they won’t remember any of that. Jen chastises Eliot for correcting her (for humor). “I want you to remember this smell the next time you buy garbage bags.” – Classic Matt quote.

75 – Matt recounts the garbage can story that featured the above quote. Jen tries to get her sunglasses to sit on the mic. Success! She takes a picture and calls Eliot an idiot.

We’ll be right back!

We’re back! And Jen does her best Jimmy impression! Jimmy feels like he should be insulted but instead is flattered. Matt says it’s like sitting between two Jimmys.

80 – Guesses on who will host the next correspondence dinner. Jen guesses Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy says they won’t go comedy central unless it’s Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. Jimmy thinks it’s a ridiculous argument that Hilary Clinton will be too old to be president.
We’re Betting again!! Jen kicks it up to $5! This is an organic occurrence of betting! Lady Likes To Dance!!
Jen guesses 68.
Jimmy goes 69. Up top!
Matt goes 73.
The oldest president to assume office was Ronald Reagan (age 69 years, 349 days). Jimmy wins!
Jen’s mom is now loose as a goose. Jen thanks Jimmy for the Byron Allen segue but he was trying to make a good point. He asks her if it’s an LA thing to bring dogs into public places, like a gym or a GAP.

90 – Dog discussions. Jen has been bitten a few times by dogs that are supposed to be nice. Update on Jen’s cousin Rodney! He was looking for Jen at Christmas and got ahold of her number. He was in LA but she never called me back. Jen likes a text not an ambiguous voicemail. Jimmy might do both but he leaves details. Also hates vague-booking (purposely vague facebook statuses). Matt had neighbors that made them stand in front of the “slow children at play” sign.

95 – Matt caught up in Napa Valley rants on Facebook. He doesn’t even know who this person is. Friend of a friend on FB. Jen does not go to Vinnie Boombotz. Jen may go to Vicky Boombotz. She wants to give a shout out to her doctor. She gets tested every year for AIDS just in case.

100 – She got frustrated when her doctor wouldn’t leave the info on a voicemail and it would freak out. Her new doctor emails her the results with the subject line “All test results are normal.” Jimmy thinks the voicemail issue is done so that it won’t lead to confusion about what the results may be. Jen sure doesn’t want to see Eurythmics in concert. She did see Morrisey at the Hollywood High School. Russell Brand opened.
Jen did something embarrassing and is asking for permission to tell us. She brought a book about Oscar Wilde on a speaking tour in America (Declaring his Genius). She was in the front row and wanted to give it to Morrisey but he’d never get close enough to give it to. She saw Russell Brand at the side of the stage and asked him to give the book to Morrisey. He gave her a disgusted look.

105 – Jimmy followed Russell Brand on Conan. Audience loved him. Jimmy likes him as a panelist. Jimmy gets more compliments on that appearance than on the others that he thinks were better.

110 – Jen asks if we’re in the 22nd century yet. Jimmy won! Everyone writing parodies of Under The Bridge. All our parodies are about calling in sick to work.

115 – Jimmy came across a coworker of Jen’s and isn’t sure if they didn’t know him or they thought that he didn’t know them.
Apparently, The number one way that HIV/AIDS is transmitted is through sexual fluids. This can be vaginally, orally or anally. Those most at risk are men who choose to have sex with men. However, AIDS can be spread man to woman, and even woman to woman as well. The best way to prevent contracting HIV/AIDS is through practicing abstinence or using a condom.

We’re gonna giveaway Jen Kirkman’s book, I Can Barely Take Care of Myself (http://www.amazon.com/Can-Barely-Take-Care-Myself/dp/1451667000/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1373406421&sr=8-1&keywords=jen+kirkman). It’s signed already and dedicated to Jen’s sister. NYT Best Seller! Jimmy says she was great on MSNBC! Jen does not dislike children and the book is NOT about that.

125 – Jimmy prefers the original title, “You’ll change your mind and other rude things I’ve heard at parties.” Jen tells a story about a kid she used to babysit (friend of her moms’ who had a kid on accident at 50.) Kid liked to do her hair and makeup. He turned out to be gay. She contacted him later and told him about it and he thanked her for reminding him that he was always gay because his parents didn’t believe it. Jen writes on a very successful television program.
Jen’s coming down from her caffeine high. She says she’s blinded by the globe. Jimmy says her senses are heightened by her drink. Jaguar pronunciations chat! Jen’s mom cried over an iPhone once. Jimmy went to test drive a Mercedes to cheer himself up and had an awkward encounter with a former comic who was selling cars now.

Win Jen’s book and the audio. What book did Jen try to give to Morrissey? First post wins the book, random winner wins audio version and a comic!

We’re done!
Eliot is now officially 2chainz!

My Pleasure,
– Garon/The Thief/Cuban Defector/Scout/The Beast