NeverNotNotes

1012 – Dwayne Perkins

 

PARDCAST.COM MESSAGE BOARD FOR THIS EPISODE

Intro

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jimmy sounds like he is acting out the deli scene from When Harry Met Sally

Oliver in Facebook as Little Easy without a comma

Courtside seats at the Harlem Globetrotters

Keep your grubby paws off the back of Jimmy’s seat

The creative and memorable names of the Globetrotters, including Frank

5:00

Chili today, hot tamale is required by law

Opening with the previous act’s Jeopardy closer

Matt Belknap: the human Ambien

Plugging Rob Durham’s book, worth it just for Jimmy’s back-cover blurb

10:00

Danny’s back, having recovered from pink-eye

Dan’s second-hand eyedrops

Jimmy thinks pink-eye can only be caught by eye-to-eye contact

The bus is Patient Zero for pink-eye

15:00

Dwayne Perkins: first black guy on NNF! (2nd black person)

Jimmy only works with Dwayne on television

Jimmy and Dwayne’s pilot: Bad Example

Jimmy, the pre-Byron Allen Byron Allen

Meeting Brande Roderick

Dwayne’s interstitial show Trends with Benefits

Dwayne has not even seen his own show, and in fact seems to know little about it

20:00

Dwayne’s swap-meet Baltimore Hustlers t-shirt

Dwayne’s clothes inspire South African envy

Dwayne notices Dan’s pale mint green pinky nail

Jimmy is jealous of Dan’s youthful sex life

Dan’s pit-bull related break-up

25:00

Dan’s really embarrassing story about his most recent breakup from “pink-eye girl”

Dan freely admits that what he did was wrong, and he shouldn’t have done it, so it’s on him (literally)

Jack Earl Haley gets mentioned for the 2nd consecutive episode

30:00

Dan had to pick up a kid for his Big Brother program

Dan seems to have a six month self-sabotage timer

Dwayne has the black-guy insight into this situation

Eliot is over-nodding about “inner-ho”

35:00

Recapping Dan’s Google search to-do list

Jimmy needs to have Dan in his line of sight at all times

10 season in, and Never Not Funny is working out all the bugs

40:00

Dwayne lets us know it really does take some effort to get punched in South Africa

Dwayne’s friend is tiny, like 5’8″ and 150 lbs; who could imagine such tininess

You remember Seated Asskicking… they opened for Alan Parsons Project

Dwayne’s friend’s puncher was at his wedding

45:00

David Kau’s resume

Goat slaughtering in South Africa, it’s really not a sacrifice

Lamb vs. mutton vs. goat vs. Mutt ‘n’ Jeff

It’s great that Dan has one more thing for Jimmy to mock him about

Matt wants to revisit Dan’s situation in order to over-explain “blue balls”

50:00

Jimmy rejoins the Dan fray with some personal questions about the frequency of Dan’s self-pleasuring

Even more uncomfortable details about Dan’s behavior

“It’s murrrderrrrr!”

Pitbull, the sweaty-handed rapper

55:00

Jimmy wants to know if it’s ok for him to play Sun City

Jimmy Pardo: tiniest man alive

Even more salacious details about Dan’s behavior

Hard to believe Dan, such a good guy, could do something so ungood

1:00:00

BREAK

Why does Dwayne have such a big stack of stuff in front of him?

Dwayne and Jimmy’s Licorice Talk(tm)

Dwayne’s tea fetish

Dwayne’s brand new car has zero power locks

Dwayne explains how capitalism works in the world of power locks

Apparently Dwayne’s car choice is not such a big fuckin’ secret, unlike Jimmy’s car choice, which is a big fuckin’ secret

1:05:00

Apparently where Dwayne lives is not a big secret either

Clinique Even Better SPF 20 men’s face lotion

Lack of power locks: most effective anti-theft device

Dwayne is not willing to trade Chinese food or chai lattes for power locks

1:10:00

“You can’t deserve power locks”

Jimmy’s car has a smart key (this may be a clue for figuring out what car he owns)

Does Dwayne’s car have A/C or air conditioning or A/C?

Dwayne should get his ass handed to him at a one nighter to afford after-market power locks

Jimmy’s bigass key with extra torque is nearly pornographic; feel it! Stroke it! Love it!

Dwayne has an office and a coin-flip app, but no power locks

1:15:00

Dwayne will flip 2 out of 3 to determine if he buys power locks

Results of coin-flip: you’ll have to listen for yourself, or watch for Dwayne to get into or out of his car

The Ford Pinto

Dwayne has The Help DVD in front of him, but has not seen it

Dwayne “No-Bags” Perkins has an interesting way of shopping

1:20:00

Dwayne and Mike Siegel hung out in Hong Kong

Jimmy wants to know the truth about Mike Siegel’s tail-chasing

How many lattes did Dwayne’s butt-less Hong Kong suit cost?

When Dan is 34, Jimmy is taking him to Hong Kong to get suits

Hong Kong Suits and Shanghai Tailors – great fantasy baseball names

Dwayne says Mike Siegel likes women with “something there”

1:25:00

Working for ex-pats in Hong Kong

What’s Mike Siegel really up to in foreign countries?

Wonderful and unbearable Hong Kong Phooey

The prime-time cartoon previews

Bozo bootlegs

1:30:00

Dwayne has to leave to get to the Comedy Film Nerds podcast and discuss The Help, which he has not seen, but maybe he can make shit up based on looking at the DVD cover

It’s easy to sneak into Mexico

Dwayne and Eljaye the muscle guy sharing the bill

Another plug for Rob Durham

A plug for OneKolor.com

Fatherly advice for Dan

Jimmy clarifies that “taking Dan to Hong Kong” does not mean “paying for the trip to Hong Kong”

This trip promise has been witnessed, and Jimmy will pay for Dan’s suit

AK-47 gone, not forgotten

In-studio notes by Dan Katz

0 – Jimmy put a picture of Oliver on facebook and immediately regretted it. Jimmy and Oliver saw the Harlem Globetrotters.

5 – Plug for Rob Durham’s book

10 – We talk about Dan’s pink eye contact. Jimmy cut himself.

15 – The guys talk about Brande Roderick.

20 – Guest Dwayne Perkins talks about his shirt that his friend got him from a swap meet.

25 – 30: We talk about Dan’s break-up.

35 – Dwayne talks about getting jumped in South Africa.

40 – Dwayne talks about attending a goat or lamb sacrifice.

45 – We talk about Dan’s break-up some more.

50 – The guys talk about the rapper Pitbull.

55 – We talk about Dan’s break-up some more.

BREAK

0 – Dwayne has a brand new car that doesn’t have power locks.

5 – A girl told Dwayne he deserves power locks.

10 – Dwayne does a coin toss deciding whether or not to buy power locks.

15 – Dwayne also has a DVD copy of “The Help.” Dwayne hung out with Mike Siegel in Hong Kong.

20 – Mike Siegel is an international killer.

25 – The guys talk about Hong Kong Phooey. Jimmy’s son Oliver loves Bozo the clown.