1016 – Tom Arnold
Intro
Tom Arnold
Jimmy’s Pro-tip ™: Write things down to remember them better
Jimmy’s high-def nose has a skin tag
Jimmy Durante
The racist, gay, rich prick on Survivor
Jimmy blames PR Sonya for his problems
5:00
Tom may or may not be playing Words with Friends while awaiting introduction
Dan Katz’s broken half-gloves may have come from the homeless begger outside
There will be no video proof that Sonya exists
Jimmy makes sure he covers health and weather for Never Not Notes; thanks Jimmy!
Tom’s ramp-up: Jimmy may not have made a big impression when they first met
Jimmy doesn’t understand why some people don’t like Tom
10:00
Meat talk starts right away, which makes Jimmy nauseated
Tom was a hired-gun pig-murderer for the Hormel company in Iowa
Tom ripped fat from the ribcages of pigs, giving him permanent owies on his fingernails
Despite his nausea, Jimmy insists on more details about killing pigs
Don’t buy food from a company that is ready to strike
Tom says striking was FUN, until they got back-stabbed
15:00
Jimmy Pardo
Tom’s fights behind the union hall
Sounds like Ottumwa, Iowa was really depserate for entertainment
Community College in Ottumwa, Iowa
Small town streaking
Tom loves meat!
Jimmy really doesn’t want to hear about chit’lin’ squeezing, but he will have no choice
20:00
Tom’s Pro-tip ™: skinning hams requires special gloves, if you want to keep your entire thumb
Death by 700 pound boar!
[Personal comment from Darryl: Tom’s stories are great, but it’s head-spinningly exhausting trying to keep up with his stream-of-conciousness story-telling! I need to catch my breath!]
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[OK, back to the notes.]
Tom gets revenge (and an accurate weight) with a well-aimed boar ball bashing
Boar meat is cheap due to gaminess
Boars are worthless, violent, non-contributing, vermin, worthy only of death; but there should be some sport to it
Tom on My Big Redneck Vacation / Wedding
25:00
Tom’s Pro-tip: To make a gun-wielding redneck less rednecky, threaten to cut his heart out with a newly sharpened up-curved knife
Tom would have killed a few rednecks during television if he had to
Let’s be clear: Tom Arnold hates boars. HATES THEM!
iPads, Draw Something, and Twitter provide a clever way for Jimmy to change topics away from boars, meat, and death
Sobriety talk: does that include pain meds?
30:00
Tom’s opioid-induced exploded intestines and three month coma
Eyeball innards
Jimmy gives Tom a free pass on the opioid use, despite the coma and intest-isplosion
Tom’s back-breaking PCH 1 motorcyle crash
Tom had a full Olympic gymnastic routine planned for laying down his bike
35:00
Leg contusion draining, for the Redneck show
Jimmy’s Pro-tip ™: If you break your back and/or have a huge leg contusion that requires surgical draining, take a day off
Jimmy’s Hollywood and Highland motorcycle/car accident witnessing
Tom’s old guy show biz motorcycle gang, featuring Schwarzzenegger
Has Jimmy had any work done?
Tom’s hair transplant with Dr. Bosley
40:00
Jimmy had to try twice, but he finally got his Dr. Vinny Boombatz reference in
Jimmy had some nose-work done
The comedy club drinking life
A little bit of Tom Arnold history
Tom’s fake Letterman wedding
Tom’s marrytom.com adventures [the website is now about Alaska]
45:00
Tom’s tattoos, including his American Jew star of David
Survival of horrible working conditions requires family
Back to Tom’s multiple marriages, both real and fake
50:00
Jimmy looks young. Because he’s little. Like a little toy soldier.
The word-of-mouth hairplug doctor, Dr. XXXX XXXXXXXXXXX
Cement-based back-alley implants
Tom’s Pro-tip ™: Don’t buy Chinese knockoff pain meds over the internet
Tom’s honeymoon trip to China
Hong Kong suits!!!!!!
55:00
Jimmy reiterates his 2014 Dan Katz Hong Kong suit trip
Hong Kong suit: a little funky. Hong Kong whores: a good deal!
Hey, Matt’s on this show! And he has travelling Hong Kong tailor info!
Toms says the Hong Kong suit value is excellent; just not Armani level
Tom’s unintentional racist comment onstage
Kardashians: good kids!
BREAK
1:00:00
This is Tom’s 3rd NNF invite
Tom’s Never Not Funny-cancelling illness
Medical care concierge service: $25K – $30K a year
Star Tours and Tom’s house
Tom thought he was young, until he hit 50
1:05:00
Tom’s Pro-tip ™: If your spouse won’t profess their love and willingness to work things out: not good
Tom’s heinous, never-before-told story – NEVER NOT FUNNY EXCLUSIVE
Low self-esteem could cause you to make terrible herpes-related decisions
1:10:00
Public record: Tom never took any money from Roseanne in the divorce
The fate of the Iowa loose meat sandwich shop
Jimmy’s charity roast show with Tom
Who is Ralphie May to roast Tom Arnold?
This is absolutely happening: Tom will punch Ralphie in the head
1:15:00
Jimmy never understood any of the hatred of Tom
Tom has been in 100 movies, literally
Jimmy wants to analyize the Tom-hatred
Keep in mind: the Tom/Rosanne divorce was 20 years ago!
Tom Cruise is an amazing guy, a nice guy, who is turning 50
1:20:00
Tom Cruise should have won an Oscar for Magnolia
More plastic surgery talk
Tom’s Pro-tip ™: Save your hands and go for the soft tissue
Tom’s Pro-tip ™: Don’t let a fat guy jump on top of you
Tom is still obsessing about the homeless guy downstairs
1:25:00
Which is worse: Hormal plant, or road comic
Andy Kaufman’s insirational appearance in Iowa
Tom says: “Follow your dreams; anything is fuckin’ possible”
Tom’s tough life
1:30:00
Tom has a beef with a guy named Brad; listen to the episode for specifics, including last name
AK-47 gone, not forgotten
In-studio notes by Dan Katz:
0 – Jimmy wrote down the episode number on a piece of paper, so he’d remember what number it was. Jimmy has a skin tag on his nose. Jimmy is angry at this rich gay guy on “Survivor.”
5 – It’s cold outside. Dan has finger-less gloves. Jimmy yelled at a homeless guy. Jimmy met guest Tom Arnold when shooting a pilot for the reboot of the Gong Show. Actually no. Jimmy met Tom in Minneapolis even earlier than that. Tom talks about slaughtering pigs.
10 – Tom talks more about working in a slaughterhouse. Advice from Tom: Don’t buy meat from a company about to go on strike.
15 – Tom talks about streaking. Tom talks about cutting his thumb off.
20 – Tom talks about when a boar killed his friend, so he avenged his death by bashing the boar’s balls in. Tom talks about pulling a knife on an idiot who was swinging his gun around.
25 – The guys talk about iPads, Draw Something, and Tom’s relapse.
30 – Tom talks about his motorcycle accident.
35 – The guys talk about getting plastic surgery and hair transplants.
40 – 45: Tom talks about his romantic life.
50 – The guys talk about phony doctors and phony medications. Hong Kong suits called back.
55 – Kardashian talk.
BREAK
0 – Tom talks about his medical records getting stolen. Tom talks about turning 45, turning 50, and one of his divorces.
5 – NNF Exclusive: Tom tells the most horrific break-up story.
10 – Tom talks about what happened to most of his money.
15 – Tom plans to murder horrible comedian Ralphie May.
20 – Tom Arnold is in love with Tom Cruise.
25 – Tom says “Follow Your Dreams.” Tom talks about a grudge he has with a former producer