1016 – Tom Arnold



Tom Arnold

Jimmy’s Pro-tip ™: Write things down to remember them better

Jimmy’s high-def nose has a skin tag

Jimmy Durante

The racist, gay, rich prick on Survivor

Jimmy blames PR Sonya for his problems


Tom may or may not be playing Words with Friends while awaiting introduction

Dan Katz’s broken half-gloves may have come from the homeless begger outside

There will be no video proof that Sonya exists

Jimmy makes sure he covers health and weather for Never Not Notes; thanks Jimmy!

Tom’s ramp-up: Jimmy may not have made a big impression when they first met

Jimmy doesn’t understand why some people don’t like Tom


Meat talk starts right away, which makes Jimmy nauseated

Tom was a hired-gun pig-murderer for the Hormel company in Iowa

Tom ripped fat from the ribcages of pigs, giving him permanent owies on his fingernails

Despite his nausea, Jimmy insists on more details about killing pigs

Don’t buy food from a company that is ready to strike

Tom says striking was FUN, until they got back-stabbed


Jimmy Pardo

Tom’s fights behind the union hall

Sounds like Ottumwa, Iowa was really depserate for entertainment

Community College in Ottumwa, Iowa

Small town streaking

Tom loves meat!

Jimmy really doesn’t want to hear about chit’lin’ squeezing, but he will have no choice


Tom’s Pro-tip ™: skinning hams requires special gloves, if you want to keep your entire thumb

Death by 700 pound boar!

[Personal comment from Darryl: Tom’s stories are great, but it’s head-spinningly exhausting trying to keep up with his stream-of-conciousness story-telling! I need to catch my breath!]

[OK, back to the notes.]

Tom gets revenge (and an accurate weight) with a well-aimed boar ball bashing

Boar meat is cheap due to gaminess

Boars are worthless, violent, non-contributing, vermin, worthy only of death; but there should be some sport to it

Tom on My Big Redneck Vacation / Wedding


Tom’s Pro-tip: To make a gun-wielding redneck less rednecky, threaten to cut his heart out with a newly sharpened up-curved knife

Tom would have killed a few rednecks during television if he had to

Let’s be clear: Tom Arnold hates boars. HATES THEM!

iPads, Draw Something, and Twitter provide a clever way for Jimmy to change topics away from boars, meat, and death

Sobriety talk: does that include pain meds?


Tom’s opioid-induced exploded intestines and three month coma

Eyeball innards

Jimmy gives Tom a free pass on the opioid use, despite the coma and intest-isplosion

Tom’s back-breaking PCH 1 motorcyle crash

Tom had a full Olympic gymnastic routine planned for laying down his bike


Leg contusion draining, for the Redneck show

Jimmy’s Pro-tip ™: If you break your back and/or have a huge leg contusion that requires surgical draining, take a day off

Jimmy’s Hollywood and Highland motorcycle/car accident witnessing

Tom’s old guy show biz motorcycle gang, featuring Schwarzzenegger

Has Jimmy had any work done?

Tom’s hair transplant with Dr. Bosley


Jimmy had to try twice, but he finally got his Dr. Vinny Boombatz reference in

Jimmy had some nose-work done

The comedy club drinking life

A little bit of Tom Arnold history

Tom’s fake Letterman wedding

Tom’s marrytom.com adventures [the website is now about Alaska]


Tom’s tattoos, including his American Jew star of David

Survival of horrible working conditions requires family

Back to Tom’s multiple marriages, both real and fake


Jimmy looks young. Because he’s little. Like a little toy soldier.

The word-of-mouth hairplug doctor, Dr. XXXX XXXXXXXXXXX

Cement-based back-alley implants

Tom’s Pro-tip ™: Don’t buy Chinese knockoff pain meds over the internet

Tom’s honeymoon trip to China

Hong Kong suits!!!!!!


Jimmy reiterates his 2014 Dan Katz Hong Kong suit trip

Hong Kong suit: a little funky. Hong Kong whores: a good deal!

Hey, Matt’s on this show! And he has travelling Hong Kong tailor info!

Toms says the Hong Kong suit value is excellent; just not Armani level

Tom’s unintentional racist comment onstage

Kardashians: good kids!



This is Tom’s 3rd NNF invite

Tom’s Never Not Funny-cancelling illness

Medical care concierge service: $25K – $30K a year

Star Tours and Tom’s house

Tom thought he was young, until he hit 50


Tom’s Pro-tip ™: If your spouse won’t profess their love and willingness to work things out: not good

Tom’s heinous, never-before-told story – NEVER NOT FUNNY EXCLUSIVE

Low self-esteem could cause you to make terrible herpes-related decisions


Public record: Tom never took any money from Roseanne in the divorce

The fate of the Iowa loose meat sandwich shop

Jimmy’s charity roast show with Tom

Who is Ralphie May to roast Tom Arnold?

This is absolutely happening: Tom will punch Ralphie in the head


Jimmy never understood any of the hatred of Tom

Tom has been in 100 movies, literally

Jimmy wants to analyize the Tom-hatred

Keep in mind: the Tom/Rosanne divorce was 20 years ago!

Tom Cruise is an amazing guy, a nice guy, who is turning 50


Tom Cruise should have won an Oscar for Magnolia

More plastic surgery talk

Tom’s Pro-tip ™: Save your hands and go for the soft tissue

Tom’s Pro-tip ™: Don’t let a fat guy jump on top of you

Tom is still obsessing about the homeless guy downstairs


Which is worse: Hormal plant, or road comic

Andy Kaufman’s insirational appearance in Iowa

Tom says: “Follow your dreams; anything is fuckin’ possible”

Tom’s tough life


Tom has a beef with a guy named Brad; listen to the episode for specifics, including last name

AK-47 gone, not forgotten

In-studio notes by Dan Katz:

0 – Jimmy wrote down the episode number on a piece of paper, so he’d remember what number it was. Jimmy has a skin tag on his nose. Jimmy is angry at this rich gay guy on “Survivor.”

5 – It’s cold outside. Dan has finger-less gloves. Jimmy yelled at a homeless guy. Jimmy met guest Tom Arnold when shooting a pilot for the reboot of the Gong Show. Actually no. Jimmy met Tom in Minneapolis even earlier than that. Tom talks about slaughtering pigs.

10 – Tom talks more about working in a slaughterhouse. Advice from Tom: Don’t buy meat from a company about to go on strike.

15 – Tom talks about streaking. Tom talks about cutting his thumb off.

20 – Tom talks about when a boar killed his friend, so he avenged his death by bashing the boar’s balls in. Tom talks about pulling a knife on an idiot who was swinging his gun around.

25 – The guys talk about iPads, Draw Something, and Tom’s relapse.

30 – Tom talks about his motorcycle accident.

35 – The guys talk about getting plastic surgery and hair transplants.

40 – 45: Tom talks about his romantic life.

50 – The guys talk about phony doctors and phony medications. Hong Kong suits called back.

55 – Kardashian talk.


0 – Tom talks about his medical records getting stolen. Tom talks about turning 45, turning 50, and one of his divorces.

5 – NNF Exclusive: Tom tells the most horrific break-up story.

10 – Tom talks about what happened to most of his money.

15 – Tom plans to murder horrible comedian Ralphie May.

20 – Tom Arnold is in love with Tom Cruise.

25 – Tom says “Follow Your Dreams.” Tom talks about a grudge he has with a former producer