623 – Mike Schmidt

Released 4/14/2010

Pardcast.com message board for this episode

Intro: 201st episode. Jimmy’s nanny lies about the weather

2:10 We finally got an intern: Dan Katz. Keep it quiet.

2:30 Eliot Hochberg is less of a Jew than you think

2:50 Eliot saw 4 Batman movies

3:15 Jimmy doesn’t care how many Batman movies Matt has seen

3:30 Despite the complaints of not being able to hear him, Eliot will not be getting a microphone

4:00 The former third baseman, from playing at a softball game

4:45 Let’s get any weirdness out the way

5:00 Jimmy and Mike did a podcast in 1996

5:45 The tragedy of Andrew reminds us life is too short

6:00 Jimmy and Mike have hung out, just not doing podcasts together

6:20 Matt wants to know the third gym story from 3 years ago

6:40 “What I’m getting is that Andrew did not want me on the show!”

7:00 Plugging The 40 Year Old Boy

7:20 Fucking* [1]

7:35 Fuck* [2]

7:45 Baseball Mike Schmidt is a dick and Mike’s hero

8:00 Fuckin* [3]

8:10 Old timey baseball drug use

8:45 Jimmy’s sudden reset

9:00 Jack Nicklaus, hero or snooze?

9:30 Baseball heroes

10:45 Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer

11:40 Tom Watson and racism

12:05 Fuckin’* [4]

12:30 Is Jimmy fake-laughing guy who resets?

13:00 Spoiling sports outcomes

13:20 Fuck!* [5]

13:35 Mike’s fuckin’* information fetish got cured [6]

13:50 Fuckin’* Giants beat the Packers! [7]

13:55 Jimmy doubts that Mike punched a fuckin’* hole in a guy’s sternum [8]

14:15 Tiger falls apart in the Masters

14:45 Mickelson, The Real Family Man

15:15 Internet allegations of infidelity

15:40 Fuckin’* scumbag [9]

15:50 What’s in the Golden Bear beverage?

16:00 Mango is in everything

16:30 Jimmy meets Chris Kattan on the street

16:45 Chris Kattan, wan and wee

17:24 Kim Bluhlahalla and Jay P. Spaulding sent gifts

17:45 Jimmy wants his cheese kept cool

18:00 Schmidt doesn’t like a freestanding cheese

18:50 Fuckin’* [10]

19:20 Eddie Griffin is the one voice Jimmy can’t do

19:45 Fuckin’* three iron [11]

20:00 A fake reset

20:10 Mike doesn’t even fuckin’* breath on the 40 Year Old Boy [12]

20:20 It’s a marathon, not a sprint

20:35 What the fuck?* [13]

20:45 “I should be apologizing for cheating on my wife with that many fuckin’* cameras in my face.” [14]

20:55 Sing along with Jimmy: Paparazzi (Lady Gaga)

21:00 Matt deconstructs a Lady Gaga song

21:30 Matt almost goes dirty. And does.

21:45 Jimmy demonstrates how offensive he thought Matt was going to be

22:35 Of The Three Stooges, Mike hates fuckin’* Shemp [15]

22:50 Curly’s a genius

23:00 Mike calls Jimmy out on his fake-hatred of The Three Stooges

23:20 “Fuck* you!… And I don’t mean fuck* you in that context…” [16, 17]

23:30 Mike might be 2% right

24:05 The Golden Bear drink shouldn’t be like fuckin’* egg nog or pancake batter [18]

24:20 We should yell “Fore” for racism in honor of Mr. Watson

25:00 Amos ‘n’ Andy were white guys?

25:30 Mike tries to hijack the intern

25:45 The bottled Arnold Palmer in the supermarket

26:22 Dan gives the entire history of racist radio while not on mic

26:45 An intern was a mistake

27:15 Where does Jimmy get the best buy?

27:40 Got some rain outside

27:45 Slash’s new CD is terrific

28:50 Slash and Fergie did Sweet Child o’ Mine at the Rose Bowl

29:15 Mike Seigel’s face value

29:30 Alter Bridge on the Slash CD

29:45 Wolfmother’s sophomore slump

30:20 Sing along with Jimmy: Woman (Wolfmother)

30:45 Sing along with Jimmy: Brick House (Commodores)

31:40 Dan knows that he is not Matt’s friend

32:00 Complaints about the intern’s ability to purchase water

32:30 Matt gets too excited about his correct guess

32:55 Sing along with Jimmy: Let it Whip (The Dazz Band)

33:10 Sing along with Jimmy: Holy Diver (Dio)

33:30 The golf connections confuse Matt

34:00 No lobster strips from 7-11

34:20 Matt likes the 7-11 turkey sandwich

34:40 Try the Thanksgiving turkey sandwich

34:50 Mike doesn’t want his Thanksgiving feast in one fuckin’* pile [19]

34:55 Didn’t we talk about this?

35:00 NeverNotNotes.com isn’t in season one yet!

35:10 “C’mon Darryl, pick it up!”

35:15 “Yeah, that’s Darryl Asher”

35:20 “Darryl’s doing a great job”

35:30 Jimmy likes to see the weather and how he’s feeling

35:40 Mike’s fans LeAnna and Hannah sent him to this site

35:45 “So they’re ripping off Darryl?”

35:50 “Darryl, copyright infringement!”

35:55 “Darryl, this LeAnna is… you’re gonna get a coupla bucks.”

36:00 “That’s disrespectful to Darryl.”

36:05 The business of show notes is booming!

36:10 “Darryl and Dan don’t get any money.” [I get paid in shout-outs. Jimmy is prepaying for the year.]

36:25 “I think he has a logo for when we talk about him” [Why, yes. Yes I do, Matt.]

36:30 Darryl gets shivved by Schmidt

36:35 “He’s a good man, Darryl Asher!” [OK, now you’re just doing this on purpose.]

36:40 “Are we gonna see the daughter in a couple weeks?” [Yes, she will be at MaxFunCon.]

36:45 “How tight are you with this fuckin’* guy?” [20]

36:55 “Relationship’s a strong word”

37:00 “I apologize Darryl…” [No apology needed. Relationship is a strong word.]

37:15 “It’s a big help… no?”

37:40 Mike wishes LeAnna all the luck in the fuckin’* world [21]

37:50 Jimmy would only do the first half if he got paid to do the second half

38:20 Handling phones makes good radio

38:55 An interview with Willamette Week in Portland

39:30 We should probably plug Bridgetown Comedy Festival, which is what we are now doing

40:00 Jimmy’s update of the Paul Hardcastle Nineteen song: Th-Th-Th-Thissss.

40:05 “And Darryl just put an icon down for Paul Hardcastle Nineteen”

40:15 Mike implies that Jimmy lied about their hanging out

40:55 Jimmy wins at poker, yet loses

42:05 Jimmy got fuckin’* waylaid the rest of the night [22]

42:15 The poker players all broke into fuckin’* giggles [23]

42:45 “Is there an icon for Kenny Rogers?”

43:30 The double-down fuckin’* sandwich is a joke that Mike used to do [24]

43:40 Jimmy is boycotting KFC

44:23 “What the fuck?*” [25]

44:30 Mike is of the opinion that the fuckin’* Lord gave us domain over the fuckin’* animals [26, 27]

44:35 We fuckin’* put cheese on chickens and eat them [28]

44:45 “We’re the bigger man!”

44:50 (A stray fuckin’*) [29]

45:00 Show a fuckin’* chicken who’s boss! [30]

45:05 Fuckin’* [31]

45:15 Fuck* these things [32]

46:00 The double down is served in a sleeve

46:45 Eliot and Mike like a Monte Christo but some people fuck* it up [33]

48:30 They are nice to the fuckin’*chickens that are used in the Pizza wings [34]

48:45 Jimmy talks himself back into denial

49:00 Good pizza doesn’t deliver

50:00 That guy shows up at fuckin’* football games handing out pizza! [35]

50:30 Dan is very good at Googling

50:45 Mike mocks Jimmy’s giving the weather report when he fuckin’* left the house [36]

51:30 Panda Express is worse than the way they have it all laid out on the tray!

52:00 Ryan’s Steakhouse has changed over the years

52:45 Eating at a buffet

53:00 Mike is not a fan of Applebees, the MadLibs of food. (fuckin’* … fuckin’*) [37, 38]

53:30 “That’s what the fuckin’* chart said!” [39]

53:35 Mike should fuckin’* go to Applebees for the Pepperjack Hare [40]

53:45 Mike had rabbit at Bobby Flay’s in Vegas

54:15 “We just ate Looney Tunes!” (and fuckin’* beef) [41]

54:25 “Hot Fudd Sundae”

54:30 Sitting alone and eating in a restaurant

54:55 Mike doesn’t want a fuckin’* conversation with Ethel fuckin’* chewin’ gum, or a fuckin’* friend [42, 43, 44]

55:45 The guy at Mel’s Diner: bad waffles and napkins

56:50 “How do you fuck* up a waffle?” [45]

57:15 Matt is enthralled by The Big Boy’s teddy bear waffle iron

58:30 Break time!

58:45 Mike wants to know how the NNF numbering system works

59:45 Mike and Jimmy are both in Calvin Klein jogging jackets

1:00:00 Mike is jealous of Jimmy’s box of fuckin’ free stuff [46]

1:00:30 Jimmy’s game: Guess how this ends

1:00:45 Jimmy reminds Mike he got fired from a free podcast

1:01:00 How Jimmy snubbed someone greeting him in the airport

1:02:00: Side story: Don’t go potty during the safety announcements

1:03:20 Jimmy should show how he feels about all the fuckin’* people in coach [47]

1:04:00 Jimmy loves a good alcohol-fueled mingling party

1:04:30 Transcript this for the record: JIMMY SAYS GLEE SUCKS!!!!

1:05:25 Mike thinks Glee is fuckin’* horrendous [48]

1:05:45 Jane Lynch is very good as Jane Lynch

1:06:30 Here’s begins the greatest hits collection

1:06:35 Sing along with Jimmy: California Dreamin’ (The Mamas and the Papas)

1:06:45 Sing along with Jimmy: If You’re Going to San Francisco (Scott McKenzie)

1:06:50 Sing along with Jimmy: Summer in the City (Lovin’ Spoonful)

1:06:55 Sing along with Jimmy: I’m on the Road Again (Canned Heat)

1:07:00 Sing along with Jimmy: Goin’ up the Country (Canned Heat)

1:07:10 Jimmy wants the Time-Life videos from the commercial

1:07:16 Mike’s wife records the commercials for fuckin’* records [49]

1:08:00 Matt discusses The T.A.M.I show DVD and gets sidelined by a phone ringing

1:08:35 Sing along with Jimmy: Incense and Peppermints (Strawberry Alarm Clock)

1:09:10 Jimmy and Mike’s BluRay players

1:09:25 Matt out-nerds Jimmy and Mike in regards to BluRay

1:09:50 Mike discusses Jimmy’s timer technique

1:10:00 75.2 degrees inside

1:10:10 Matt picks at Mike’s scabs

1:10:25 Mike discusses Jimmy’s email methodology

1:11:00 We don’t really want to talk about it

1:11:25 Mike thinks Jimmy and Matt are fuckin’* famous [50]

1:11:45 By the way, NNF was featured in the recent Fast Company magazine

1:12:00 Back to the bathroom story, and have still not finished the game mentioned earlier

1:12:20 It’s Caligula up in first class

1:14:15 Jimmy couldn’t make a fuss on the plane, or he’d be the next fuckin’* shoe-bomber [51]

1:14:30 The crew would lose their fuckin’* minds if Jimmy was uncooperative [52]

1:14:40 “Diplomatic immunity!!!”

1:14:45 “Fuck* them! Flying waitress!” [53]

1:15:00 Mike thinks they should provide a cocksponge which they then fuckin’* wring out [54]

1:15:10 Jimmy goes back to what he was afraid Matt was going to sing

1:15:30 Sing along with Jimmy: Paparazzi (Lady Gaga) [Already linked it above! You don’t want to watch it again.]

1:15:55 “You remember Lightning Situation”

1:16:00 “Try doing it alone!”

1:16:25 Sing along with Jimmy: Incense and Peppermints [Linked already. Once is enough.]

1:16:30 Sing along with Jimmy: Signs (Five Man Electrical Band)

1:16:45 iTunes killed the Time-Life greatest hits collections sales

1:16:55 “I’ll see if they have anything in the Books About the Moon department”

1:17:05 Kevin Cronin and a lady sell ballads

1:17:50 From records to fuckin’ Indian jewelry [55]

1:18:50 Back to “How does this end?”

1:20:00 “Where you tryin’ ta git to? Not that it’s any of my business!”

1:21:00 Jimmy gets shivved by a stranger

1:22:00 Crazy fuckin’* hat [56 ]

1:22:20 Guess Who’s on the Plane?

1:22:40 Mike wants to know about the intern interview process

1:23:00 Jamba Juice brings out the rage in Jimmy

1:23:45 Sing along with Jimmy: Lighting Strikes Again (Lou Christie)

1:23:50 Sing along with Jimmy: Kung Fu Fighting (Carl Douglas)

1:24:00 Sing along with Jimmy: Brandi You’re a Fine Girl (Looking Glass)

1:24:15 Sing along with Jimmy: Greased Lighting (Grease)

1:24:30 Jimmy tries to convince himself he’s not really mad at Eliot

1:24:50 Back to Guess Who’s on the Plane?

1:25:30 Sing along with Jimmy: Weatherman Says (Jack Wagner)

1:25:35 Sing along with Jimmy: All I Need (Jack Wagner)

1:25:50 Sing along with Jimmy: Lighting up the Night [What? I’m too tired to look this up]

1:26:20 Bill Paxton is handsome and his clothes hang on him beautifully

1:26:55 Mike is overly concerned with Jimmy’s phone calls

1:27:20 Sing along with Jimmy: Jenny 867-5309 (Tommy Tutone)

1:27:25 Sing along with Jimmy: Talking in Your Sleep (Romantics)

1:27:35 Sing along with Jimmy: Take on Me (A-Ha)

1:27:55 A rare re-appearance of Obvious Trivia: What famous Barry Manilow song did he, ironically, not write?

1:28:05 “If Darryl has not put this, it’s one of those Obvious Trivias”

1:28:20 Who really wrote Fight for your Right to Party?

1:28:30 Sing along with Jimmy: Fight for your Right to Party (Beastie Boys)

1:28:45 Jimmy gets Barry Manilow’s autograph on The Tonight Show

1:29:10 Manilow is fried to a fuckin’* crisp by tanning beds [57]

1:30:15 Pat and Jimmy’s autograph seeking technique

1:30:40 Sing along with Jimmy: Take Your Time (SOS Band)

1:31:00 Martha Wash’s beautiful vocals and lack of photogenics

1:31:45 What a joy!

1:31:55 Plugs mikeschmidtcomedy.com; twitter/the40yearoldboy; facebook/the40yearoldboy

1:32:45 Mike’s sincere thanks to Matt and Jimmy for having a show

1:33:00 “We fuckin’ invented this!” [58]

1:33:00 Jimmy is the fuckin’* bulldozer, fuck* [59, 60]

[Mike’s total fuck-count: 60]*

1:33:30 Three white guys talkin’

1:33:45 Why Mike has the format he does

1:34:40 Dan, don’t think this didn’t go as smoothly as you think it did

1:35:00 Lashing out at good looking Dan

1:35:15 Eliot’s site is indhd.com

1:35:35 The Devil Went Down to Gerogia!

1:35:45 Sing along with Jimmy: Goodnight Saigon (Billy Joel)

1:35:50 Sing along with Jimmy: Mississippi Queen (Mountain)

1:36:00 Time-Life Books presents songs about mountains

AK-47 gone, not forgotten!

*[Don’t punch a hole in my fuckin’ sternum, Mike. Pat Francis asked me to do the fuck-count.]