Never Not Funny
Live Show: Philadelphia, PA
April 22nd, 2017
Total Time: 1:31:55
NNF video starts and immediately stops.
Matt announces Jimmy and he enters but the lights aren’t going up. Jimmy steps into the light from the video projection to wave.
Live show tech problems.
A waiter walks by with a tray. Safety first! That tray doesn’t look too stable…
Two person standing ovation.
First music reference of the night: Genesis.
Matt is still in the sound booth, probably not yelling at anyone about the video problem.
Hi East Coast!
Science March gets some applause.
But…Climate change is a hoax.
Glaciers are supposed to get smaller…just like the ice in Jimmy’s drinks.
(Write that down!) [pardostory]
The opening announcement from Helium (turn off your cell phones, don’t have loud conversations etc.) had a lot of weird pauses. It’s like they wanted applause breaks for the rules.
Steve-O is back!
Steve-O is putting a straw in his dick hole right now.
Steve-O has to be short for something. Steve O-Why is that happening? Why are we taking Steve-O down?
Jimmy looks good in his new blazer.
Hamilton isn’t Christine’s favorite musical (intern note: It makes the top 3 though).
Steve-O is putting more stuff up his ass…but because he’s a Patriot.
Steve-O put his dick in the bell and that’s why it cracked.
Jimmy is gonna guess Christine’s favorite musical. It’s Les Mis.
Please welcome Matt!
Jimmy talks about the magic mirror backstage. Matt opens the door to get a good look at it.
It’s been decided the mirror is wonderful because of the angle.
Matt suggests it’s the mirror like in that Paula Abdul music video.
Matt’s family members never caught him masturbating.
Matt never understood why there were so many public restrooms arrests. He thought it was just a crazy coincidence.
The K is silent on Belknap.
Matt’s sister has a new name (aka not Belknap). She has a K in her new name but it’s not silent.
Is it in Jimmy’s top four favorite names?
Another Jimmy Fallon mention. Would he hire Eliot? Probably not.
Back to Christine’s favorite musicals. In The Heights / Hamilton come in at number two.
Everything eventually becomes community theatre.
Jimmy was in “Anything Goes.”
Matt asks if “Anything Goes” is a musical about people getting it in the butt.
Do we have a cave update?
Matt’s Dad sold the land the cave is on. We should add a plaque, “Welcome to the Belknap cave.”
Remember when they called Matt’s Dad on the air? That was very uncomfortable.
(That was episode 713. Show notes here. – Darryl)
Turns out you shouldn’t call your Dad and accuse him of missing your birthday.
That call was mostly Mike Sweeney’s fault.
They aren’t a morning zoo.
Back to Philly: Is Dr. Jay available? He’s handsome.
Is it weird when a doctor is sick? Well, they aren’t miracle workers, which also happens to be Jimmy’s 3rd favorite musical.
It was actually a play…Patty Duke was in it.
Mackenzie Astin was in…“Facts of Life!”
Before we go on, Matt must address the fact that Jimmy’s hand has been in his pocket for a long time.
Jimmy explains he didn’t know how/when to take it out. The whole thing broke bad.
Matt’s father has been to Helium before to see Jimmy. Matt’s Dad said he introduced himself.
Jimmy asked if he was pleasant, there’s a long silence – that’s where the silent K comes in.
If you throw in another K it’s a strike out.
Matt didn’t know that writing a backwards K on a baseball scorecard meant the batter struck out looking.
They are surprised that a scoreboard could say “KKK.” Jimmy says 3 K’s is a great time.
Can we use another letter? It’s a K because it’s the last letter of Struck.
Do you click on headlines that focus on what child celebrities look like now? He didn’t find out what Jo from “The Facts of Life” looks like now.
Instead there should be an emotional club about how celebrities are feeling now.
Jimmy just twitched.
Peripheral is a weird word.
This is Episode L!
Can you write an S backwards? It’s like a sloppy 2!
Who cares when you lose your virginity?
Matt was 17 when he fell into the crevice. His dad has never heard this story.
(Quick Recap: Seventeen year old Matt was in his then-girlfriend’s dorm room and he had to do an action roll between the bed and the wall for what felt like an eternity).
(This was told on Episode 10 of Season 1. Show notes here. – Darryl)
How does Matt’s Adviser look now? Maybe he’s retired.
Shout out to Matt’s Adviser NAME REDACTED.
“It’s very important for young people to have sex.”
There’s lots of societal pressure.
Hand is back in pocket.
Jimmy is still slapping Matt’s ass when he walks on the stage. It’s work place harassment.
It’s baseball baby. Backwards K!
Is there a letter for that? Q?
Mr. Belknap should leave.
Where is Matt’s Adviser [[NAME REDACTED]]?
Would you become a minister to marry a friend?
Ryan is the go to guy to marry someone.
We are not in Pittsburgh.
Back to the ice cube joke. Matt is pushing for an Ice Cube tie in? Maybe Ride Along? Are We There Yet? Straight Outta Compton?
Why are we making a Straight Outta Compton sequel?
How many people made a hologram joke when that was announced. (Hint: Everyone)
Jimmy hates Facebook. Matt suggests he strips the whole page to just his cousins.
Matt’s sister works at Origins. Jimmy is stunned he remembered that.
Lotions and Potions.
But…they only use Harrys.
Shout out to Mott & Bow jeans.
Shout out to Bombfell.
Great sports coat BUT the shirt doesn’t button.
Baseball cards. Jimmy’s got a Jeff Sessions card that’s worth thousands. When he goes to prison it’ll be worth more.
Should Matt sell his Bill Cosby cards?
Jimmy mentions watching a clip of Sammy Davis Jr. singing a duet while Bill Cosby keeps wandering in the shot.
At Jimmy’s wedding he danced with his mom to the song Pure Imagination.
Can we drop that the dance with your parents tradition?
Everybody Dance Now!
Jimmy sang B-A-N-A-N-A-S…it wasn’t the tune.
“That’s not the tune” is a new party game! Its name that tune but the reverse. Get Fallon on the line.
Matt’s Adviser [[NAME REDACTED]] update: He’s on Rate My Professor.
Back to Matt’s dorm story, Matt’s Adviser [[NAME REDACTED]] may have been tipped off that Matt was there.
Snitches get Bitches. Wait. Flip-flop that.
Did someone snitch on Matt?
What is up with Matt’s Adviser [[NAME REDACTED]]? Why is he walking into dorm rooms?
Have you guys ordered the crevice roll? It’s a little spicy.
Jimmy and Matt flew in at midnight last night. Matt wanted a meal. Jimmy tried to pressure him into a wrap.
Cab driver talk.
Mike (from the audience) has been in a cab.
Matt dubs Jimmy the King of Crowd Work.
Mike (from the audience) is here with his wife. Jimmy/Mike have met before. He’s wearing a Pirates baseball jersey with the number 27 on it.
Matt is impressed Jimmy knows the player is wearing the hat the team was given.
Jimmy knows a lot about baseball.
Q for Queer!
What is Mike’s (from the audience) second favorite baseball player? It’s not Mike Schmidt. It’s John Kruk.
There’s no love for John Kruk.
Baseball Screaming = Baseball Tonight.
Jimmy may have ruined his vocal cords.
Baseball Tonight is the Facebook of TV shows (AKA the only way he keeps up with his cousins).
What team did John Kruk play for during his last at bat White Sox. He ended his career with a single (could have been a double) and a 300 average.
Jimmy is mad at Mike.
John Kruk is Orange is the New Black funny.
Back to the question for Mike.
The cab driver that picked up Matt/Jimmy popped his trunk open as he was still driving. “Yeah lets get the fuck out of here.”
They got in the backseat. Wrap/snack jokes. Paid with a credit card.
When they arrive the cab driver pops the trunk– but didn’t get the luggage.
At minimum he should handle the luggage.
Matt is a cheapskate. Skinflint? Tight with money. Stingy.
Jimmy wasn’t watching Matt while he navigated the tip…but he was watching.
The cab drive popped the trunk in motion! He used his trunk like a parachute! Also, the breaks on the cab were horrible.
It wasn’t a good ride.
Matt says $5 felt like the right amount of tip and 6 wasn’t good.
Cash is always the way to go.
We don’t know why.
Barney Miller TV show shout out.
Does Matt’s Dad like Barney Miller? Another long silence.
Looks like Josh Gondelman’s cousin is here in the audience. Christine confirms.
Back to Matt’s Adviser [[NAME REDACTED]] — he was Matt’s baseball coach.
Christine started listening to NNF when she was 17.
Matt doesn’t want to ask, Jimmy does. Over 17/Under 19. (Hi Mom).
We are in Bill Cosby’s dojo.
Back to Dr. Jay…there are lots of doctors in Philly.
Kato Kaelin shout out.
Christine has learned a lot.
Jimmy saw a celeb at Amoeba Records. And it wasn’t Beck.
Matt played the theme song when Ryan had a celeb sighting.
Jimmy was on a podcast called Same Page Cast. They should workshop the name. It will drop this coming Friday.
Back to the Celeb sighting. It’s a dramatic actor, not in the Marvel Universe.
Stanley Burrell is MC Hammer’s real name.
DIRTY CARSON IS HERE!
Wait, Matt has to explain this character to his Dad.
Bob Uecker was fucking Joyce DeWitt right in the ass.
Back to the Celeb sighting.
“Cheat Day” is the worst phrase of all time.
To Jimmy’s surprise, it has nothing to do with actually cheating.
Jimmy always gives 87%.
Back to the Celeb sighting…he was in Star Trek…Chris Pine!
They made eye contact.
Rocky’s real name is Robert.
Stallone in a bottle shows up! Matt tries to explain it to his dad.
Rocky = Philly. Blues brothers = Chicago. Let it go.
Creed was a good movie…except the motorcycle scene.
True/False Creed is the first Rocky movie Matt has seen in its entirety.
Rocky 5 sucks. Everyone agrees.
Jimmy has gotten ads for Rocky underpants. They are expensive.
TIME TO BET!
Dan definitely has lost this game.
Mike won ten bucks!
Can we gamble here? Jimmy isn’t Johnny Philly.
Steve-O has to set up we need to leave.
Dan is gonna come up and play 7s!
L WORD TV SHOW!
Back to 7s…category is NNF guests!
“This is the worst fucking game ever”
This is all Tally’s fault.
New category…80’s music!
Episode L isn’t Leftovers. Or Lost.
It’s not Laugh in.
Christine said Las Vegas. Thankfully Jimmy is still working on “You Got Conned!”
It was Laverne & Shirley!
Score to beat is 11 from Dan.
Blake did not do well.
Someone got on stage to play in shorts. He has to sit down.
“Honey my hero finally made it to the East Coast where are my work out clothes?”
Chrystal is gonna play!
Blake should probably take off.
We are doing 90’s music!
Seeing famous people is cool! Creed? No.
Jimmy makes fun of Matt’s 7 skills.
Chrystal got 23!!
Jimmy does a dance.
East coast baby!