713 – Mike Sweeney

Pardcast.com message board for his episode

Released 8/11/2010

Intro: Once again, Jimmy gets his opening sentences PERFECT because he is a professional. Jimmy still likes to pretend he doesn’t get the episode numbering system which leads into more math than I had to deal with during my entire 6 years of high school.

1:50 Specifically for NeverNotNotes.com, Jimmy is under the weather (see above)

2:30 It’s a room full of beautiful people, including Eliot with a wristband

3:10 Tabasco Ears > Buggles

3:30 Dan’s podcast seems to be all about dope and drugs but Dan is clean. Now.

4:55 Jimmy’s 11th year birthday of sobriety is July 18

5:00 Matt gave the sick to hippy Jimmy

5:25 Keep Feelin Fascination Human League

5:45 Introducing Mike Sweeney, with EVEN MORE  MATH

6:00 Jimmy knew both 9/11 and his podcast were coming, and both were successful

7:00 Mike has jealousy issues with Ty Burrell

7:20 Mike is ALSO an Emmy winner

7:50 Mike thinks Dan doesn’t look 29

8:15 Welcome Mike Sweeney, head writer for Conan O’Brien on two now-cancelled shows

8:40 A secret revealed: Tom Arnold was the only potential NNF guest who cancelled on his way to the podcast. Thank God for Dave Holmes.

9:00 Jimmy stretches the definition of “paid gig”

9:20 Mike dressed up once he found out the studio was over a 7-11

10:00 2nd floors of strip malls are full of creepy offices, and this is no exception

10:20 Mike calls Jimmy out for being a hypocondriac

10:40 Mike has relationship advice for Matt and Jimmy

11:00 Comedy club smoke is the culprit in Jimmy and Mike’s sickness

11:45 Mike is famous in the Conan O’Brien credits. But Jimmy isn’t.

12:30 Jimmy implies that he is indeed involved in the new TBS show. Or he is assuming.

13:10 Jimmy was annoyed and angered to be offered the warm-up gig for Conan; here’s the story of that meeting

14:30 Mike does a Pardo/Nixon impression

15:20 Mike broke his arm during the filming of Conan’s “run across America”

16:00 Sidewalks on Michigan Avenue in Chicago are deliberate death traps

16:30 Elise broke her arm roller-blading

17:30 Mike Sweeney’s excellent bean-bag work sold Jimmy on coming onboard for Conan

19:00 Months after the fact is the perfect time to figure out who Jimmy’s boss was

19:30 Mike’s worst warmup job: Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

19:45 Doing warmup for Maury Povich

20:30 Mike’s show biz history

21:30 Mike may have bumped Jonathan Groff for his job

22:00 Jimmy was on Caroline’s Comedy Hour with Groff

23:15 Mike tries to defend Eliot, but quickly realizes the proper behavior is to shit on him

24:00 Get your entries in for the TV Hat contest. And shut the fuck up Eliot.

24:45 Jimmy was either referential or reverential

25:20 Matt explains the TV Hat and the contest

27:10 Jimmy has finally mailed out the other prizes

28:00 Revisiting the unemotional Fathers Day card

28:00 How offended should Matt be that his dad didn’t call him on his birthday this year?

28:30 Matt is in the stewing phase, waiting to see how long it will take for dad to call

28:45 Jimmy goads Matt about how unacceptable it is for his dad to not have called

29:00 Mike’s dad never calls on his birthday. Because he’s dead.

29:45 Comparing memories of birthdays and divorces

30:15 Mike whips out some crowd work

30:45 Jimmy wants Matt to be angry

31:00 Mike tries to calm the waters

32:00 “Eliot, preemptive shut the fuck up”

32:10 He forgot Matt’s daughter’s first birthday last year

32:00 Mike thinks Matt should grow up. Jimmy thinks Matt shouldn’t grow up.

33:00 Matt may be overestimating how good his relationship is with his dad

33:30 The whole room has opinions about Matt’s situation

35:00 Mike has creepily specific memories of sabotaged birthday

35:45 Jimmy’s coughing fits may be one reason Monster won’t sponsor the podcast

36:45 Eliot encourages passive-aggression

37:00 Matt trumps Eliot’s passive-aggression

38:00 How upset, really, was Matt about the non-call?

39:00 Matt has an old-school answering machine, on which his dad could have, at any time, left a message

39:30 Breaking news: landlines are better than AT&T’s sucky service

40:00 The bikini related TV show billboard with an old school phone

41:00 Mike shared a room with his dying father. Comedy!

42:00 Laughing with someone is almost like talking

42:45 Jimmy defends a certain kind of punchline

43:40 “Televised is a strong word”

44:00 Matt’s and Jimmy’s parental divorces

45:15 Jimmy wondered if his mom would text or call for his birthday

46:00 X-Games seemed like a “one and done” event, but now it’s 16 years later

46:45 Mike took his kids to the motocross event

47:50 Mike suggests that Matt call his dad

48:30 Mike tells about Conan’s show winning an Emmy

49:20 The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien is nominated for multiple Emmys

50:30 If Conan wins, Jimmy should do a few seconds of warmup before the acceptance

51:00 Negotiating with Mike about being mentioned during an Emmy

52:15 Matt is getting quadruple-teamed about calling his dad live on the podcast

53:00 Matt predicts a call to his dad will not go well

54:00 Mike wishes he could call his own dad

54:15 The first call reaches voicemail (cell phone)

55:30 Call number two to the office: voicemail

56:00 “I’m gonna feel really stupid if they are all dead.”

56:20 Third call to home: ANSWERED!

56:45 Matt’s dad immediately apologizes and offers belated birthday wishes with no prompting whatsoever

57:45 Mike becomes a total ass about Matt’s dad’s schedule during the reunion: TIME TO BAIL!!!!!!!!!!!

58:40 “That may have backfired”

59:00 Matt is ok, even though it was a gut-wrenching thing to do

59:45 Dan takes the blame for Mike’s assholedness

1:00:15 Jimmy: “I don’t think I would have done it!”

1:01:30 Despite the immediate belated birthday wish, Matt is still not really satisfied

1:02:00 BREAK TIME (featuring a smoooooooooooth-talking Jimmy)

1:04:30 Jimmy misses Hacksaw Hamilton because of his Sirius radio subscription

1:06:00 Let’s get right into the issues: Does Mike rent or own a tuxedo?

1:07:00 Best show award goes to the producers, not the head writer

1:08:00 Matt says Conan’s Emmy is a lock

1:09:10 Conan’s competition might be stiff

1:09:30 The wiseassedness of Bill Maher

1:10:15 Tom Poppa was in Mike’s high school

1:11:00 Jimmy plays a guessing game

1:11:20 Mike’s real age results in “What the eff!”

1:12:00 More about Mike’s show biz resume

1:13:00 Jimmy did standup at a wedding. Bad idea.

1:14:30 Mike did a bachelor party, wherein he had to give a 30 minute toast

1:15:30 Mike and Jimmy’s weirdest gigs

1:17:30 Mike’s weirdass rental situation, featuring a parrot

1:18:15 Mike was a trial attorney, along with numerous other comics

1:20:00 Jimmy loves everybody in the room

1:20:00 Jimmy feels like they ambushed Matt’s dad

1:20:25 “Oh, ya think?”

1:20:40 Matt may have ruined his inheritance

1:21:15 Dan swears he has a GREAT Stupid Question of the Week

1:22:20 Dating talk with Dan

1:22:30 Dan’s attractiveness

1:24:00 Stupid Question of the Week from Jake Iverson (fellow Billings, Montana resident: Hi Jake!)

“Oh I like Jake, he’s a nice kid!”

1:24:15 If you only listen to five albums for the rest of your life, what would they be?”

1:24:40 Jimmy is angry at Jake for that shitty question!

1:25:15 Matt’s songs should be all father-related

1:26:30 Revisiting Jimmy’s unaired skit on the Tonight Show

1:27:30 Who were the Conan guest clunkers?

1:28:00 How the writers write the stuff they need to write for a show

1:29:00 The annoyance of Gene “No-Free-Rides” Simmons on the Late Night show

1:31:00 Mike wishes Jimmy had died young, for his own good

1:31:30 Mike may be emotionally stunted. Or a robot.

1:33:00 Jake Iverson’s subscription is now cancelled!

1:34:00 The perils of being politically correct, and still having to buy stuff

1:35:20 Mike has important meetings about the TBS Conan show

1:36:00 Jimmy’s TBS standup appearance: “Do what you do”

1:37:00 Jimmy was a breath of fresh air on that show! Just ask him.

1:37:30 We don’t edit, but we know what we would edit if we did edit

1:38:30 Revisiting Belknap Cave, and a race to say “spelunkers”

1:39:00 SCRIMSHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1:39:15 More trespasser spelunking talk

1:40:45 Jimmy and Mike have incredible anger towards birders

1:43:20 “You’re gonna want to hear this.”

1:43:40 Jimmy used to be told he looked like Nixon

1:44:15 Jimmy is against linking to Dan’s podcast

1:44:50 Distracted closing

1:45:10 Onnnnn the podcast

AK-47 gone, not forgotten