16A – Busting Out with Rachel Quaintance

Rachel Quaintance

We have two whole sets of show notes! I did a set because I didn’t get any from Jay, but then after I did mine, Jay’s showed up, courtesy of Matt Belknap. So enjoy the most notes ever for an episode of Never Not Funny. Rachel is worthy of them! Jay’s notes follow mine below:

All notes and editing by Darryl Asher, because Rachel is awesome and deserves to have notes of her appearance available for posterity, despite the fact that she used to think my name was Ronald

0

First Players Club episode of Season 16

Jimmy gives a convoluted explanation of the letter game

Episode 500 will be live at UCB on Franklin March 22, 7:30pm, with live streaming audio

Jay “Cheeseman” Spaulding is filling in for Tony Thaxton, who was filling in for Garon Cockrell

Let’s talk about Jat’s tats, and the fact that he should have them removed

Jimmy tried to bond with Jay over matching phone cases, but fails

Jay works at UCB on Sunset doing tech

5

More than you need to know about how UCB updates their event calendar

Danielle is a writer on the Writers’ Guild Awards, which is high praise

Jimmy’s over-explanation of (something) puts himself into a coma

Jimmy wants Matt to guess which show he is seeing with John Ross Bowie. Matt nails it: Patti LuPone!

Jimmy announces the Players Club Fantasy Baseball League, but explains that he is actually too busy for it

10

Jimmy lays down the law about how to apply to be in the Fantasy Baseball League

Jimmy: “I don’t need Johnny Porkchop talking to Darryl Asher in the chat room while I’m trying to figure out if Darek Jeter is still in the league”

(Don’t worry, Jimmy. Besides hearing you talk about it, Darryl Asher has ZERO interest in fantasy baseball!)

aspecialthing.com is probably now a ghost town. (I admit to not having logged in there in years). Facebook and Twitter have taken over what AST used to do.

Old Man Lizard shows up

There will be money involved in the Fantasy Baseball League, so no cheapskates

Winner gets money, plus a Never Not Funny Surprise Pack

15

Matt… baseketball… list of names… something…

Calves Cavs pun talk

Jimmy thinks a listener will make a Cleveland Calves (as in the animal) basketball jersey design

Since no one made one, here is my 10 minute amateur design, the quality of which matched Matt’s pun

Jay is wearing an engagement ring, to signify his engagement to the lovely Liezl, comedy photographer extraordinaire

20

Mystery wall addition coming!

Jay and Liezl are engaged and will get married “one day”

Jimmy discusses Conan’s remote to a Korean massage

Rachel “Sexy Boots” Quaintance arrives and is told to sit

Amanda “Zim Zam” Zimmerman sent a pillow made from an old Bag O Corn tee shirt, plus sent a bag of popcorn

25

Jimmy over-explains microwave warnming instructions to Jay

Matt suggests Jay bring the whole microwave into the studio

Jimmy and Rachel (off-mic) discuss all the popcorn they used to eat during Movies at Our House

Jay actually does bring the microwave into the studio, making eviction a certainty

Jay has a gorgeous haircut

30

The popcorn is now warm!!!!!

The popcorn is delicious, and it’s WONDERFUL to hear the sound of delicious popcorn in your ear! MUNCH AWAY GENTLEMEN!!!!

BREAK

Welcome back to 16A

Microwave has been returned, no one noticed it missing, and everyone loves Amanda’s pillow

16A – Apollonia

Matt talked about his lunch, and Rachel doesn’t ever eat salad. So deal with it.

Jimmy wants to know if Rachel is wearing a new bra

35

She is, but she says she has gained weight, so she has bigger boobs, and THAT’S FINE SHE HS NO PROBLEM WITH IT

Rachel saw someone lose beadboard on the road, and has to explain what beadboard is

Rachel and a homeless guy helped her load it back, because Rachel is amazing and awesome and doesn’t mind saying so

Jimmy can’t pay attention because boobs

Rachel and her daughter have not done “Floyd” in a long time

40

Jimmy wants to clarify exactly how he insulted Lenny Kravitz, and it wasn’t in a racist way

Paul Benedict as Harry Bentley

Did the Jefferson’s neighbor have elephantitis? (There is no online reference to Paul Benedict having elephantitis. I guess he just had a big head.)

Another reason Rachel is amazing: she shops at the 99 Store, like regular people!

Jimmy is not eating hamburgers or candy, but he does he 49 cookies a day

Rachel has good advice about dieting: Don’t diet! Live your life, but use moderation

45

One of Rachel’s favorite singers is Brandi Carlile. (NOT Belinda).

Sugarland and their tragic windstorm and lawsuit

50

Rachel was 13 when she said she was not going to French kiss until she was married

Rachel dated guys in her teenage dance company, and found out later that everyone but her was having sex with each other

Kissing vs. French kissing vs. making out vs. prudishness

“What are you doing, that tickles!!!!”

55

FINALLY going around the horn

Jay (JP) Spaulding is here

A kind of psychic high-five story regarding Jay’s brother

Do the guys believe in people having different “energy”

Matt recommends everyone listen to Invisibilia, specifically the Mirror Touch Synesthesia episode

60

Jay’s A word: Anka

Peter Cetera on a Paul Anka song Hold Me Til the Morning Comes

Eliot’s A word: Ankle

Peter Cetera’s distinctive vocals

Matt thinks Jay may be better at looking things up than anyone else who has done. He has obviously forgotten about my stellar Skype appearances.

65

Rachel’s all about Sturgill Simpson

Checking in with Eliot and his apartment vacancies

$1575 for a one bedroom apartment

70

Los Angeles rules about swimming pools, slides, diving boards and pre-school swings

Rachel is obsessed with the wonderful Rich Sommer

Celebrity Sighting: who did Rachel see on her trip to New York? Anthony Weiner, Harvey Keitel and Woody Allen.

75

More Old Man Lizard, confirming that everyone hates him
Jimmy recounts his story about seeing George Segal

Cheese, Sargeanto, and the proper pronunciation of Parmesean

The various pizza cheese qualities

80

Rachel swings the ship right back into Rich Sommer territory

Rich bought Rachel’s custom made coasters at Pardcastathon, and enjoys them very much, FOR REAL, not just being nice

Rachel was the last guest at Pardcastathon so everyone was tired and “auctioned out” which is why it took so long to get anyone to buy her coasters

Rachel has a Meg Ryan look on one of the practice coasters she brought to the podcast as a gift

Rachel: “Let’s be honest, Darryl coulda stepped up. I’m very kind to Darryl.”

(Darryl was counting his auction budget when Rich stepped in with his TV star money, blowing me out of the water. Sorry Rachel!)

Matt’s A word: Albatross

Rachel’s A word: Asshole

85

BREAK

Rob Sheffield’s Rolling Stone list of Saturday Night Live performers

90

Matt recounts his fake selfie with Mark McGrath

No woman wants a picture of a guy’s dick

Shouldn’t Jay be able to read Rachel’s mind about the singer who cut his hair?

Edwin McCain is the answer 

Jimmy gives the most prolonged raspberry in NNF history

95

Rachel’s talks about her precocious kids

Rachel and Jimmy discuss whether SAG pays for First Class

Rachel’s son writes the best notes

Rachel tries to track down her mom’s half-sister

100

It’s a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!!!

Rachel may be the best detective in the room

Rachel reminds Jimmy of his ill-fated Bay Area cellular company commercial

“What good are a million miles if I can’t use them when I want?”
Jay finds the SAG flight rules

General Hospital Now with Sarah Colonna and Nancy Lee Grahn

105

Rachel did a Pace commercial with Sarah Colonna

Sarah Colonna’s tweets to Tom Brady’s wife Gisele Bundchen

Jack Wagner’s Pardcastathon appearance

Rachel played golf at Pebble Beach

110

Jimmy doesn’t play gold because it takes too much time, yet will waste time walking around the mall

Jimmy’s Lucky commercial: “Don’t forget Save-On!”

Rachel had a scene in The Brady Bunch Movie (being chased by Greg with a guitar)

Jimmy says Modern Family keeps stealing Brady Bunch plot lines

115

The Weeds “future episode” has stupid tech

Rachel thinks phone on your watch is stupid

Brandy by Looking Glass

Ryan’s Roses, the fake “gotcha” prank call drives Rachel crazy

120

Thanks for subscribing, and leave reviews on iTunes

Jimmy’s car seat belt alert has the same notes as “Look Down” from Les Miz

Jimmy ends the show before Rachel can talk about playing Yentl on her piano

AK-47 gone, not forgotten

-Darryl, the original Never Not Funny note-taker, and current official curator of Never Not Notes

—————- JAY SPAULDING’S NOTES———————

2- Talking about show on 3/22 at UCB 500 of the show

Talking to Jay about his tattoos

Confirming the UCB calendar

5- WGAwards Danielle is working on 2/14 so Jimmy is going to f a man

7-Jimmy and John Ross Bowie are going to see Patti Lupone 2/12  in the front row

9-Fantasy baseball league for Players Club members, with details

11- the dust on AST

12- OLD MAN LIZARD

14- Fantasy Basbeball league $ details

16 “baby Calves” jersey design

19- Jay’s man ring

20- talked to Liezl about her massage parlor review

22-Conan remote

23- Opening Zim Zam package, a pillow made out of the bag of corn friend, and 3 bags of actual popcorn

26- Bringing the microwave into the studio

28-talking to Rachel Quaintance

30-Popcorn test

31-Matt’s epic SEE FOOD joke

Break at 31:41

32- 15A, 15 Apolonia

34- Jimmy calls Rachel on her new bra and Rachel says she’s fatter, Jimmy tells her to f off

36- Rachel recounts her drive and seeing an old woman grabbing 8 panels of Bead board out of the street that had fallen out of her truck, Rachel helped the old lady retrieve her goods

38-Rachel don’t Floyd no more

40-talking Kravits blowback, the Jeffersons

42-Impressed by the 99 cent store

43-No candy and no hamburgers, but 39 cookies

44.5-hamburger talk

48-talkin sugar land state fair disaster, why the stage collapsed

49-Rachel’s prude past, too busy doing pageants

51-Jimmy is Howard Stern with all the boobs and blowjob talk, teen kiss talk

54-going round the horn me and where i came from and why Im here

56-Pod talk, Matt’s new favorite show, woman feels other people’s pain visually, Neurophilosophy

59-My word, Anka, leads to some Peter Cetera talk

60-Elliot’s word is ankle

60.5-Paul Anka off Jimmy’s phone with Peter Cetera, Duets album

61-Jimmy freaked out in the mall first time he heard that song and took him a year to figure out who was singing with Peter C

62-Jimmy trying to figure out the year

64-Jimmy gets the year on his 2nd guess

64.5-

65.5 Sturgill Simpson talk, listening to songs

68- Complex openings check in with Elliot

68.5- pool talk, diving board controversy

70-Rachel did a Comedy Bang Bang TV show with Rich Sommer, so she is obsessed because they both the saw the same broadway show

71.5 Rachel Murder plan

72-Rachels New York story, not Anthony Weiner is seen at dinner, but seen at the bookstore, go to see Cabaret Harvey Keitel talking to Woody Allen and Soon Yi, venue set up like an actual Cabaret

Rachel watches woman react to sitting at table with Woody Allen

75.15- OLD MAN LIZARD

75.5-Who the fuck is that George Segal?  George Segal drives up(Jimmy classic Story)

77.5 Cheese talk

78-pizza talk,

79-Speaking of Rich Sommer, he bought her coasters at the Pardcastathon, Rachel busts out the practice coasters live in studio

81.5-the coasters are actually usable

82.5-here comes the can bit…

83.25-Matt’s word, “Albatross”

83.5 Rachel’s word “Asshole”  Jimmy’s choice before changing to Apolina

84.20-  Break, bathroom

84.25-

85- SNL Rollingstone list

88.5-Rachel trying to remember

89-Public halloween house, Mark Mcgrath selfie

89.55-no woman want a dic pic says Rachel

90.5-Please call 591-ROCK or 591-ROLL to tell us if you want dick picks

91.5-EdwinMcCain in the singer who cut his hair

93- Rachel’s son wrote a story on how he hated the food in France, Harper wanted to fly first class

94.5-Looking up SAG flying options,cross communication

95-Ford, Rachel’s son is named after Rachel’s mother’s maiden name “Crawford”

98-Rachel finds long lost second family cousins

99-Rachel has never been to Portland

99.5-Jimmy’s commercial shoot goes over time, in the Bay area, Local cellphone store, one line tripped Hollywood Jimmy up

100-Jimmy answers a text and we answer the Sag Aftra plane question

101-General Hospital talk, Rachel did commercial’s with”          “ Pace Picante

103-Jimmy locked up on the General Hospital set meeting the pretty ladies, Jimmy had a great time

105-Rachel played at Pebble beach

106-Jimmy and Rachel have never talked golf before and Jimmy doesn’t play golf because he think he’s wasting time

107-Jimmy’s Save on

108-Jack Wagner is not at ATT pro/am at pebble beach

109-Rachel did extra work on melrose place

110-Modern family doing Brady bunch plot lines, very specific

112-Rachel watched the season finale of weeds, a future episode where the technology was dumb

113-Phone watch is silly/Mexican hat dance sing off

114-Brandy sing along, your a fine girl, jimmy confers fear that he’s been saying hits from 74 but it’s 1972

116-Ford loves Metallica, Harper loves Kiss FM

118-The radio is stupid

119-I still eat shellfish, Nick Jonas the Flyod of music

120-wrapping it up, subscribe to the Players club, leave a good review

121-12 women who should replace John Stewart

123-Jimmy’s car reminds him of Look down from Les Mis

124-Into the Woods movie talk, Jimmy’s flu flopping opinion, angry

126-Wrap up