1617 – Spicing it up with Cristela Alonzo

Cristela Alonza

Cristela Alonza

In studio notes by Garon Cockrell
Editing and additional notes by Darryl Asher


00 – Hello! Indeed welcome into 1617! We took that trip blah blah blah!

Jimmy wants to start skipping the teens so he can’t stop saying that trip nonsense.

Eliot rocking a good looking hat that looks good on him.

Jimmy thinks he looks 5 years younger and handsomer. He also refers to a yamacah as a “disc”.

Here we go!

Jimmy watched the documentary Happy Valley about Penn State.

Jimmy talks about the documentary.




Matt publically acknowledges that Bloodline gets so good. He publically apologizes for his comments.

Put that hat on Eliot!!!

People love the cold stare!

The Iceman! Val Kilmer.

Jimmy is doing an episode of Mockpocalypse today. It’s soundtracks. Good song in a bad movie? Danger zone? Matt thinks Top Gun is a good movie.

Top Gun chat. Jimmy thinks he put on a hipster mustache over Top Gun.

10 – Top Gun inspired Matt to take up Volleyball.

movie-poster-top-gunTop Gun right in the window of a soundtrack being a big deal.

Jimmy also watched Everest and After Porn Ends. Everest is great. The porn one is BORING.

Jimmy talks about how they “rolled up” on a porn star (Randy West) in Van Nuys.

Matt points out that Van Nuys is the hottest place in CA.

Peter North is not dead. 

15 – How hard is it to get a porn permit in LA today versus 20 years ago.

Jimmy talks about how he trimmed his eyebrows wrong.

Jimmy wonders if watching shows like Conan or Fallon if the camera man ever speaks up.

Matt wonders if Asia Carerra’s masters is in bation.

Reminder: The Rhythm Is Gonna Getcha…when though? Tonight.

Old Man Lizard shows up.

Estefan talk!

Gloria Estefan 

20 – Jimmy went to see the LA Kiss again over the weekend. They lost again. They’re 0-9. It’s depressing. Jimmy thinks the stadium is too big because of so many empty seats.

Jimmy tells us 2 things before the announcer story. Bring those $99 seats down. Lets pack the bowl. Let’s hire Jimmy Pardo and a friend to be the PA Announcers so it isn’t just heavy metal music and this team flailing around. There’s no fun or humor happening.

Jimmy tells the story:
People are moving around and sitting anywhere they want too The ushers just gave up. Two people moved their seats and sat down right in front of Jimmy and Oliver. The entire area around them was empty. Jimmy and Oliver moved seats and jimmy called the guys assholes. They thought he was talking to Oliver. I went to get our guest and missed the rest of the story.

25 – Our guest is here! Jimmy talks about her. Cristela Alonzo! She isn’t sure about the hat.

Somehow Jimmy turns it into the Wham Rap.

Jimmy finishes the story but not before letting Cristela know she infuriated him by appearing on General Hospital. He wants to put her to a sand grinder…a tool he apparently made up.

Jimmy finishes the story about the pajama race. The kids cant get the pants on. The announcer finally said something that made jimmy laugh so loud in this empty arena that it echoed throughout the place. Announcer said: Cheer ‘em on folks! It’s a pair of pants!” and then they lost by one touchdown. 0-9 and no one’s been fired!

Cristela is here! She had her own show. Apparently, she’s washed up and done now.

30 – Jimmy gives his words of wisdom that he also gave to Pete Holmes: You lived the dream. Be proud! You had a sitcom with your name on it. Be proud!

Jimmy thanks her for coming and that we’ll see her next time.


Welcome back!

35 – Cristela confirms we’re on episode 1617 as she listened to 1616. Jimmy asks, “oh is that the one?”

Cristela has some candy that leads to chili powder talk.

Cristela puts the gun in her mouth when they make spicy bullets.

Cristela loves discovery ID. She talks murders. Cristela talks about her and her friends idea of murder she wrote except a comic.

Maximum Overdrive!

40 – Eliot’s got a leather wristband on. He’s going to defend it. His hat has a leather bill.

45 – Wham chat! Everything is all right with Eliot!


There are 2 (soon to be 3) vacant units at The Familiare!

Eliot gives us details. Jimmy didn’t hear a word of it.

Matt and Eliot went to see Star Wars on the big screen together over the weekend with the kids. It was a despecialized version. This screening was for that version of the film.

50 – Jimmy’s all about wham today! Matt refers to himself as the Andrew Ridgeley of the podcast. Jimmy wonders who called him that. Turns out it was Jimmy.

Matt runs in the Disney 10K. He’s safe from their wrath.

Cristela thinks both Jimmy and Matt look like they are Ninja Warriors.

Some people call Jimmy Jim.

Zoë dressed up as Princess Leia. Jimmy kept asking her if she was Darth Vader. Apparently, Zoë doesn’t know her own strength and gives intense high fives.

Zoe asked Jimmy if he saw any won tons in the movie.

55 – Jimmy tells us about an incident with Oliver on the way to LA Kiss. He couldn’t remember if he set the alarm on the house so he had his mother go over to check it. Jimmy had Oliver to tell her to have some mints. It was the snake can. Oliver had been doing this to her constantly. This time she said, “I’m not going to fall for that again!”

Cristela asks about the origins of Jimmy going to Arena football. Basically the tickets were cheap and it was a kiss concert.

Chicago Rush – 

The league has announced that the Rush did not sign a two-year commitment form to play in 2014 or 2015, thus will sit out until further notice. The team’s roster was liquidated in a dispersal draft.

60 – Seattle Supersonics talk. Now the Oklahoma Thunder.

They just demoed Hollywood Park Racetrack. 

Jimmy has wanted Cristela on the show for a long time. Jimmy talks about it then refers to “this asshole talking to Detective Nathan West.”

Jimmy not happy about it.

Cristela talks us through her soap opera habits growing up. She loved Luke and Laura!

She played a defense attorney who has the same name as her real mother.

Cristela prefers the Ben Folds type of guy to the Magic Mike types. This GH actor she liked though.

65 – Cristela confirms one take and done on GH. IT’s hard and she was embarrassed. One time she had to do three takes because she wasn’t used to it.

Nathan West is handsome.

Jimmy wants to hear all about being on GH.

Apparently, one of the cast members was answering a phone and telling Cristela when she had to go to set.

70 – Jimmy just wants one line! Cristela says she memorizes things pretty easily.
Cristela wanted to use a Hall and Oates song on her show. They denied her request.

They talk about the show. Cristela doesn’t take compliments well and never thinks highly about what she does. Jimmy says she’s wrong and to give herself a break.

Cristela wants us to ask what she did on her way in. We’re gonna take a break and find out next!

We’ll be back!

75 – We’re back and talking Mika! We hear a couple songs.

Chuck and Larry trailer –

Cristela sings Hall and Oates while Matt sings Ducktales.

Before she got here, Cristela met with Norman Lear!! Cristela wonders if Jimmy knows who that is since he isn’t on General Hospital. He wore his hat!

She tells us all about the meeting. Calls it one of the best moments of her life. They talked about her show! What an awesome story.

80 – Hell of a day Norman Lear and Jimmy Pardo in one day!! #RealTalk for showing off the guns apparently. Jimmy hurt his arm flexing

85 – Sounds like ABC dropped the show to save money on shows produced by other studios.

Cristela talks about her favorite Roseanne memories. They talked for an hour about having a sitcom named after you.

Cristela is in good company. Roseanne, Ellen, Alf, The Mindy Project, the Lucy shows, Carol Burnett Show,


Matt is the “Straight man” of the show. Now they have Eliot and I for Jimmy to yell at. Jimmy recounts Danielles impression of a community theater actor being cold and brushing snow off their soldiers.

90 –
Carlos Ponce – 
Sam McMurray – 
Andrew Leeds – 
Terri Hoyos – 
Maria Canals-Barrera – 
Jimmy finds her very sexy.

Cristela bought a benz when she got her show.

Dry cleaner.

95 – Poor Mouth – 
Fleek – 


One on one style!!

Cristela used to play a game making up Jeff Dunham puppets. She came up with Paki Stan a Pakistani cab driver.


Jimmy gives to Cristela: 12pts (TV)

Matt wants to give. Jimmy refuses: I’m the guest!

Round 2 Jmmy gives to Cristela: 19pts (TV)

Cristela has not watched Mad Men. It’s too white for her.

Matt gives to Cristela: 21(TV)

Cristela gives to Jimmy: 18(TV)

Nashville talk! No popcorn lines upstairs at the Nashville live show!

Cristela reveals that she was wanted to take on the co-hosting gig on The View. She did not want it.

Cristela gives to Matt: 20(TV)

Lumber but not alive anymore and Spicy bullet go in history as best things said on the show.

We’re done on a huge laugh. Great laugh

My pleasure,

Garon/The Beast/Mush Mouth Shy Guy/The Notekeeper/Lazy Queen/Sloth