1616 – Speaking in Code with Kumail Nanjiani

@kumailn

In studio notes by Garon Cockrell
Editing and additional notes by Darryl Asher

—— DARRYL’S NOTES (due to Garon being held hostage by Sprint) ———–

0

Darryl and Jenn Asher are here

Darryl is sitting in for Garon because he is held hostage at a Sprint store

Garon: good hostage?

My incredible Garon impression ::click::   ::sigh::   ::mumble::   ::click::

We brought Jenn’s jar cakes!

4:00 – Matt falls for my snake in the mint can, resulting in Eliot getting yelled at, and Jenn and I get called by “Motherfuckers” by Matt

 

 

 

 

 

WAY TOO LONG BACKSTORY ABOUT THE SNAKE-IN-A-CAN, AND WHY I EVEN HAD ONE

Some of you might know that in a “former life” I was a (part time) comedy magician. For reasons too boring to explain, I bought the snake-in-a-can because in one routine with an audience volunteer, I have some comedic by-play in which I offer a mint. About half the time, the volunteer doesn’t fall for it, knowing exactly what’s in the can. Either way, it was a stupid but funny throw-away part of the routine, the point of which was to make ME look like an idiot.

I have not performed in about 20 years, but my props are in a box in my basement. When my lovely bride Jenn decided to make jar-cakes for the guys, for some reason my long-forgotten snake-in-a-can came to mind, and I rescued it from my prop box, figuring I would just place it with the jar-cakes and see what happened.

BUT… I honestly never thought anyone would fall for it! I assumed Jimmy or Matt would immediately know what it was, and I would be the focus of wrath for daring to bring such a hacky, stupid thing into the professional Never Not Funny Studio. But it worked out better than I could have hoped. After the show I gave it to Jimmy to pass on to Oliver.

You can order your own snake in a mint can here!

5

Jenn has a black heart

The snake mint can has a retro design (because it really is old)

The cakes are DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!! FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!! (Seriously, those guys are not just being nice. Jenn’s jar cakes are incredibly delicious)

It’s got a CORE OF CARAMEL!!!!! Jenn thought of everything!!!

Paper shuffling sound-effect on radio: on purpose?

10

Reminiscing about the Pardcastathon cakes

Jenn comes up with the winning “get Garon to open it” idea

The snake self-detonates on me!

I stand by Jenn’s “spring in his snake” joke, and my mumbling, halting delivery of it

The Carol Burnett “fan mail” bit

Will Lexington on the O.C.

15

I’m doing Garon’s job ON A PHONE!

The annoying “shut-up!” wine-talking people in the massage Relax Room

“I’ve always wanted to have a Go-Pro wedding”

20

Matt’s son loved Matt’s friend’s original X-Wing fighter from the 70s

Matt’s family is going to see Star Wars

Chris Carmack said “Welcome to the OC bitch” as Luke (Me doing Garon’s job ON A PHONE!!!!)

Nashville talk

Jimmy missed a major plot point in Nashville

25

Nashville talk continues

Matt and family were on the Disney Cruise

Matt speculates about Jimmy’s possible illegitimate child(ren)

We wish you luck as we do all bastards

30

I’m better at mic-handling than Garon, but Jimmy just says that to pile on the absent Garon

Maureen McGovern sang Morning After

Eliot got a mysterious email, and makes it more mysterious by deliberately being vague about it

Eliot starts to read the email, but gets interrupted by Garon

Garon enters with his signature sigh

35

Parking talk

Garon talks about his messed-up schedule

Breaking news: Garon has another job – website moderation

“Hey guys cool it!” “Come on, none of that!”

The teen-based social network that Garon works for is either uncool or really cool

Phone stores take too long for (according to Matt) nefarious reasons

Target is clearing out iPhone cases

Jimmy is uncomforatble with Jenn and me engaging in graphic public displays of hand-holding

40

Jimmy says that 180 gram vinyl sounds better SONICALLY, as opposed to any other definition of “sounds better”

Garon opens the snake mint can and TOTALLY RUINS IT!

Eliot got the failure on video, though, so there’s that.

—— GARON’S NOTES (with some overlap) ————

30
@kumailn

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05 –

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35 – I’m here!!!!!!! I choose to note that nothing happened in the previous 30 minutes since I wasn’t here. It was just waiting for me to arrive.

Jimmy and Matt talk 180g vinyl.

Jimmy’s speaking sonically!

We’re taking a break.

I failed the mint challenge.

40 – We’re back! Jimmy didn’t hear the beep!

Wait for the beep song!

Jimmy got caught up on the mic!

Kumail knows about beards and pain.

He hasn’t felt a single earthquake here. His cat feels it. His cat’s name is Bagel.

Jimmy’s mom’s cat is named Lucy.

The epicenter of the latest quake was ½ mile from Jimmy’s house.

Apparently NOT frakking related.

Eliot explains fracking to us.

45 – Dangers of Fracking

Kumail enjoys the fraction 2/5.

Kumail’s personal items are all over the table. Jimmy calls him a hillbilly.

50 – Eliot lets us know how long to sleep.

Frak is the swear word from Battlestar Gallactica.

And the future is now….guess the singer…

Eliot guesses Todd Lundgren aka Rundgren.

Matt guesses Rush.

Kumail has no idea.

I guess Adam Ant.

Darryl guesses Neil Diamond correctly!!!! (Note from Darryl: $5 for me!!! Also, when Kumail asked how I knew that, I edited my first answer, which was “Look, Jimmy recently asked ME what his favorite joke is! Of course I know that song!”)

Ray Parker Sr. is a mystery.

Jimmy talks about being friends with Cuba Gooding Jr.

Tom Cruise talk.

55 – Kumail has some mints!!

These cakes have a soft chew.

Happy late anniversary Ashers!

60 – The Asher’s are seeing U2 twice. Jimmy and Matt are also seeing them courtesy of Darryl!

U2 Talk! Are they still cool or is it cool to not like them?

Eliot is going to read us a letter from a fan. It’s building manager related.

65 – Single + Loft opening up soon at The Familiare. Kumail doesn’t know what that means but he guesses $1800 on the rent. The last one went for $1595.

Jimmy saw Tomorrowland at the newly opened arclight. He enjoyed it.

Jimmy talks about that magic Johnson joke. Still no idea whose joke it is.

Never Not Funny Facebook fan group member Matthew Buras found the answer!
JERMAINE FOWLER
“The longer Magic Johnson doesn’t die from AIDS, the more I start to think that he’s an actual magician.”

Eliot reads the email.

You heat the pool because of logic.

70 – Eliot explains pool heating. Many people don’t enjoy a cold pool. Apparently just a few degrees cooler than your body is good enough.

Matt wants an 84 degree pool.

It’s always winter somewhere.

Jimmy is completely caught up on Silicon Valley. He’s calling it the 2nd funniest show on TV. Veep is his #1.

75 – Everyone enjoys Silicon Valley.

Apparently on Greys Anatomy you cant have a script on set.

Jimmy’s watching Blackish, Veep, etc.

What show ended perfectly?

Parks and Rec? Mad Men?

80 – Jimmy runs through the shows he watches.

Kumail lives in Los Feliz.

The guys talk about Dan Kauffman.

Podcast title talk.

Kumail thinks Friends is too vague of a name for a show. He prefers Central Perk.

85 – Matt blows the lid off the non existent Cheers bar. It’s actually called The Bowl and Finch.

Cheers ended May 20, 1993 

Kumail talks about the American shows they got in Pakistan.

Picket Fences ran from 1992 – 1996 – 

2 Broke Girls chat.

Kumail watches Hannibal and loves it.

Jimmy wonders how he feels about Hannibal Burress. Kumail gives the history of Hannibal’s comedy. Kumail recommends The Fall on Netflix.

90 – Kumail also suggests Happy Valley. 

Kojak talk! He as just a good detective, no “thing.”

Dance into the fire singers:

95 – was Jean Luc Picard a rip off of Lobat from Empire?

Star Wars chat!

Jimmy gives us a Dana Gould tweet about star wars spawning 1 good sequel.

Jimmy suggests shoving your head up a Won Ton’s ass.

Break!!

100 – Welcome back! 1616 32 all day! Kumail suggests it can also be 14.

Kumail snaps a picture with the Iowa penant.

Words getting out about Silicon Valley!

Jimmy passes on a question from Danielle who wonders if there is a consultant on the show. There is! Kumail explains it.

They shoot right near Jimmy.

Eliot is like a plane driving into the building. Driving because he failed at getting the plane in the air.

Kumail wonders what Eliot looks for in a tenant.

Kumail calls Jimmy on his definition of Family.

Horror movie talk.

Jimmy asks about Dracula Untold.

Luke Evans – 

Jimmy sensed weakeness is Kumail’s saying Ex Machina and went right for it.

Westworld: 

The guys like high budget TV shows.

Kumail loves the Lord of the Rings movies.

It’s time for seven in seven!

Jimmy talks about Cat Stevens after Kumail guessed that he sang Cats in the Cradle.

Jimmy gives to Matt and Kumail: 15pts (Movies)

Kumail gives to Matt and Jimmy: 13 pts (TV Shows)

Kumial to Matt/Jimmy: 19 pts (Celebrity)

The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail returns on June 20! Kumail wants Jimmy do to the live Meltdown show.

Jimmy and Kumail go through the bonuses of doing Meltdown.

Jimmy officially announces he no longer does warm up at Conan. He’s doing more developing with Conaco

Gary Cannon has taken over the audience work. Great guy!

My pleasure,

Garon/The Beast/Mush Mouth Shy Guy/The Notekeeper/Lazy Queen/Sloth