NeverNotNotes

23U – Live at the Drafthouse in Washington DC

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In studio notes by Garon Cockrell
Live notes by Christine Cestaro
Editing and additional notes by Darryl Asher

Matt & Christine & Jimmy

In-studio Introduction

Welcome to 23U! We’ll randomize the letter!

Glug vs Lazy Queen

Mike and Ahmed are still here!

Mike enjoyed the Greta Van Fleet EP. Not so much the rest of the album.

GVF made Jimmy’s #3 album of the year.

DC show!

Randomizer is G!

Let’s go around the horn!

We learn how Ahmed discovered Mike!

Jimmy wants to know how Ahmed found the podcast.

My G is Gregory Peck!

Mike’s G is Gary Oldman. Mike met him in a parking lot once.

Hollywood is a threshing machine according to Mike.

Ahmed’s g word: Gil Gerard

Mike’s taking him to restaurants around town. They’re gonna get sushi tonight!

Eliot’s G word is Gilbert Godfried. He has a podcast.

Chris Elliott said again that Jimmy’s Carson is the best he’s ever heard.

Matt’s G is Gary Cole!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3562572/

What actors would be the most devastating being rolled up in a me too scenario.

Talking comic movies, actors.

Jimmy’s G is……#4 Gary Sinese #3 George Hamilton #2 Greg Evigan #1 George Wendt!

Enjoy DC!

Bye guys!

My pleasure,

Garon/The Beast/Mush Mouth Shy Guy/The Notekeeper/Lazy Queen/Sloth

Live Notes at The Drafthouse in Washington, DC

NEVER NOT FUNNY
Live in DC at Drafthouse Comedy
10.26.18

0:00 – 05:00
“Jimmmmmyyyy Parrrrdooooo!”

*Christine is not at her computer yet so notes haven’t officially started*

Jimmy is talking to the audience.

*Ok Christine is at her computer* Let’s begin!

Christine walks on stage wearing a t-shirt that says, “Galen& Gavin& Ganon& Garon& Brad Gage”

Jimmy emailed her before this and said no bullshit this time (last time Christine filled in during the live show in New York she had Garon ship his Stars Wars jacket).

Correction – he emailed her and said no *jacket* bullshit this time. This is a t-shirt.

Most importantly, is it a Gildan? Can Jimmy check? What’s ok now?

Update: The t-shirt is an Anvil – and her sleeves are cuffed… on purpose.

Sadly, Christine thought the cuffed sleeves were cool. Jimmy thinks she looks like a Greaser. Jets or Sharks?

Christine is of course a Jet – cuz when you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way.

Welcome Matt!

Heads up – Matt’s mic is trapped in his chair.

Matt is doing lots of mic business. Now Matt is the puppet. Or the mic is the puppet?

Jimmy is going to handle this.

05:00 – 10:00

Jimmy feels like he and Matt should be taller – but we don’t want a Jason DeRulo situation.

Is Jason DeRulo a rapper? Or a singer?

Jason DeRulo says his last name in all his songs, Christine provides a horrible example of this – Jimmy is going to try that.

Jason DeRulo canceled a show because the stage didn’t look safe and people were upset… he did the performance from a window Eva Perón style.

Audience members Jeff and Ari are ruining this whole thing.

Solution: Jimmy and Matt are going to sit on the top of their seats.

Update: We have a stool for Jimmy. Now he’s way higher.

Matt has now turned his chair around – guidance counselor style and is addressing the audience. “Don’t do it.”

Jennifer has brought another giant chair/stool. It has a back so this one is for Jimmy.

A quick shoutout to Jennifer and Jennifer II.

Reminder: Jennifer is Jimmy’s ex girlfriend and after they broke he started dating another woman named Jennifer who he called Jennifer II. She did not love that.

Sitting update: Matt has now put his old chair in front of the new stool to rest his feet.

Now Jimmy is in the chair and Matt is shampooing his head. To be clear this isn’t the puppet bit from before. Jimmy is very clear: he wants a shampoo.

Ok now we’re doing puppets.

Matt is talking as the microphone: “Hi Jimmy I’m mic-y”

Thanks to everyone at the Drafthouse.

10:00 – 15:00

Matt doesn’t think Jimmy is over Jennifer (not Jennifer his ex, Jennifer the girl who brought the stools).

Matt thinks Jimmy’s ex gets brought up a lot and there must be a reason, Jimmy says that business is finished. The door is closed and locked.

Oliver is being Captain Boomerang for Halloween.

Jeff knows who he is. But we’re still mad at Ari.

According to Jeff, Captain Boomerang is a Daredevil villain* (see star below)

Jimmy came all the way to DC to learn that.

Oliver asked Alexa to play Talking Heads greatest hits

Oliver is a little conservative and a little racist. He’s bummed about the bomb thing – because the real victim is Donald Trump.

Matt and Jimmy went to the White House and saw Donald Trump. Well… they heard a helicopter.

Everything was blocked off and they couldn’t get a picture of the Hamilton statue.

According to Matt, Jimmy made it a huge thing. Jimmy disagrees and says he wasn’t being a Make a Wish kid (but the Hamilton statue picture was Jimmy’s one job)

So they asked the guard who misunderstood and started explaining the complicated way to watch the helicopter. To get a picture of the helicopter they would have to go to… constellation? Commonwealth. No constitution.

It was a misunderstanding… eventually they let him take a picture of the statue.

They did not flip off the White House: Respect the Property – Not the Player in it (but Matt will absolutely flip off Marine One).

15:00 – 20:00

As a reminder, Oliver voted for Trump.

Well, they actually did a mock election and surprisingly kids voted for Trump.

There is some business going on at Oliver’s school – as the kids are getting older he wouldn’t be surprised if we see some MAGA hats… mainly cuz Jimmy is passing them out

Back to the Trump helicopter: they heard but didn’t see it

A woman in the crowd saw it – there’s two. Probably around 12:30 but Jimmy saw it closer to 4:30.

Another woman has an office in the helicopter’s flight path. She always flips them off (…and by that she means salute).

It’s basically an air limo.

And of course, we still respect the armed service members. It’s not different than seeing a car driving down the street.

Jimmy would like Matt to explain it one more time. The lack of response means Matt should be done talking…

There’s a guy in the front row who looks like he’s January Jones second husband from Mad Men.

This gentleman should know it’s a compliment – but for the record we are not complimenting Paul.

Constellations. Scopes. They dress in black so they blend in with the sky.

They use that energy to Make America Great Again.

And while Jimmy and Matt were at the Treasury building a bunch of kids started lining up along the sidewalk (right on Pennsylvania Ave) – so Jimmy decided to line up with them, and there’s still a chance he was the shortest… and they may have been middle school kids.

Turns out the kids were having an impromptu foot race and ran from one side of the building – the kids wanted to know who the narc was

Jimmy ran with them – he will never turn down a race and truth be told he beat some of them

Matt says Jimmy he did ok.

20:00 – 25:00

In Jimmy’s mind he was basically racing one kid – and he beat him. The kid in front cheated a little bit.

One kid kept saying he had a sneaky trick – which turned out to be just running alongside the curb. It made no sense but he was in middle school.

To recap: Jimmy beat a bunch of kids in a race. He’s not a sprinter – he’s a…

“Long Distance Runner.”

Christine laughs. Jimmy turns.

The line is from Grease. You don’t roll your sleeves up like that and not know a quote from Grease.

Sid Caesar was the coach in Grease.

Christine looks up his name – it’s Isaac Sidney “Sid” Caesar.

Christine thinks it’s interesting that he spells Sid S-i-d instead of S-y-d.

Jimmy suggests she googles interesting.

A man in the front has fun socks – it’s not Harry Potter. The man said it’s a fun design
Jimmy suggests we google fun.

The man with the fun socks is named Cooper. But Cooper with an “i” or a “y”??

Speaking of fun socks, Matt says today Jimmy, in the middle of a conversation, flashed his socks to Pete (who works at Drafthouse). Pete was taken aback.

Matt’s sock have a little bit of a design – they are Bombas (*not a sponsor*). Jimmy likes a Bomba sock.

Jimmy can’t change the sock subject.

What’s going on with his socks? Matt wants him to show the crowd and stand on a chair.

Jimmy doesn’t trust Matt to not pull the chair out from under him – Jimmy doesn’t want to show his socks but he is.

The crowd is applauding but fuck them.

Jimmy has bullied Matt into gambling – so Jimmy has to do this. Jimmy’s mic is down and now is back up.

Jimmy reveals socks that say…. Steve Perry.

To recap: Jimmy is standing on a stool showing off colorful Steve Perry socks, which came in a deluxe package along with a keychain, album patch, turntable slip mat, and album signed cover

25:00 – 30:00

Jimmy jumped off the stool. Anddd he fell. And if there’s one thing we know about Jimmy it’s that he’s clumsy → (CAMBRIDGE LIVE EPISODE CALLBACK)

Reminder: A woman playing Sevens during the live episode in Boston had to prove she was an NNF fan so she said Jimmy was clumsy.

For the record – Jimmy didn’t see that half step in the dark in the movie theatre.
(Christine’s pretentious spelling of “theater” left unedited. -Darryl)

Matt just wants to know if he tripped going down or up – Jimmy is still trying to explain….

Pete from Drafthouse walks by. Pete missed the sock explanation. He’s now filled in.

Jimmy is back to reenacting his trip. Matt finally got his answer: Jimmy tripped up.
Classic Pardo clumsiness..

We’re back to socks.

This is how it happened: Jimmy was packing – he went to his dress sock drawer and he grabbed 3 pairs of dress socks and 3 pairs of comfortable socks

For everyone in the crowd, Matt wants to know how many fucking drawers of socks Jimmy has.

Jimmy’s top drawer is half dress socks and a small area for short sleeve running shirts

Second drawer is casual socks – which include full crew and ankle

Matt wants to know ballpark how many socks does Jimmy own? Jimmy washes them but tosses them when they get gross.

Does Jimmy have more than 20 pairs? Are we combing the casual and- YES WE ARE.

More than 30? Yes. More than 40? Yes.

Matt is talking like an auctioneer.

Steve Perry socks? $50 bucks. Gene Simmons socks? – no free rides.
48 socks. Two in a pair.

Jimmy grabbed the dress socks – and didn’t realize one of them was the Steve Perry pair.

Jimmy forgot he was wearing them and then accidentally revealed them.

The pattern of the design looks more like Domino from Deadpool.

Jimmy has removed his shoe.

Actually the sock looks more Harley Quinn (which we know from his son and Jeff).

30:00 – 35:00

It would be great if the socks played a song.

The socks don’t stay up. Not like the Bomba (Again: not a sponsor)

Matt is silently watching Jimmy put on his shoe.

Jimmy is tying his shoe. Looping the laces. And finished. Audience applauds.

Imagine being a spouse of somebody dragged to this show? You come to the show and
Jimmy talks about how he wears a shoe.

A woman in the audience shouted yes! Jimmy thinks she gets it. Matt thinks she’s the spouse that got dragged to the show.

She’s a woman. NNF has female fans.

A woman in the front is a huge fan and her husband was dragged to the show. He has no interest in being here. Jimmy said he can leave. Jimmy moves a woman from the second row who will get his seat. They switch.

The woman who is now in the front row ALSO dragged her husband here. The two dragged husbands are now sitting together in the second row while the female fans are in the front.

We just ran out of steam on that. Case of the Belknaps!

January Jones husband’s wife looks interested. Jimmy and Christine are in.

According to Jimmy / Danielle: They are a good looking couple.

***CELEBRITY SIGHTING***

Audience is singing the theme

Jimmy calls out the faces of the husbands who were dragged here. This is how Trump got elected.

We are opening it up to everyone. Money is on the table. Jimmy is counting it out.
Jimmy is gonna give $20 bucks to the winner.

He will announce when the money is off the table. Anddd the money is off the table.

35:00 – 40:00

Matt will set the scene. In Boston. Logan airport.

Audience member Kaitlin wants to know if its a politician. Do we consider politicians to be celebrities?

Is Ted Cruz famous or infamous? Ted Cruz is a terrific actor.

Matt thinks Ted Cruz is an acclaimed actor.

Question from the audience: Is the mystery celeb a name-above-the-title person? Maybe in some indie films.

Jimmy doesn’t remember opening the floor to questions – Matt will allow it.

The celebrity has done movies and probably some TV.

When Ari was responding earlier it sounded like he had a microphone – he’s got great pipes. Ari’s girlfriend has to shut up. We are gonna send Jeff back there.

Kaitlin considers some politicians celebrities.

Where do we draw the line? Sparrow avenue.

State senator? No. Paul Simon? No. Simon and Garfunkel? Someone from early 80’s SNL? Brad Hall.

Back to the celebrity sighting. He’s a character actor but has he been nominated for major awards?

The audience member Paul who Jimmy initially thought looks like Steve Buscemi actually may look more like Jon Cryer.

When Jimmy spoke about Paul in the beginning of the show Matt couldn’t wait to see him.

The celebrity is not Stephen Tobolowsky.

He is probably over 60. It’s not J.K. Simmons.

Jeff wants to know if the celebrity is bald – maybe the guy from Law and Order? It’s not
Michael Chiklis or Paul Giamatti.

It was… Richard Jenkins! A man in front guessed it!

40:00 – 45:00

Jimmy gave him the $20. He then walked to the side of the curtain and screamed motherfucker.

Richard Jenkins was nominated for some awards.

A man in the back has hair like Matt.

Jimmy is mad he lost the money. But the fan could slip the money back to him at the meet and greet. He agrees to buy a poster.

Jimmy knows what’s happening here. He’s clumsy not dumb

Jimmy doesn’t need the money, do you know how many socks he has?!

Danielle tells Jimmy he doesn’t need more socks.

Matt is always on the quest to find the perfect sock.

45:00 – 50:00

Jimmy starts singing “They’re Playing Our Song.”

Jimmy wants to know who the music and lyrics are by, Matt suggests Kevin Music and Diane Lyrics – very on the nose.

Is there a Hugh Grant movie Jimmy doesn’t like?

“The Englishman Who Went up a Hill but Came Down a Mountain” is a long title

“They’re Playing Our Song” starred starred Robert Klein and Lucie Arnaz – Desi Arnaz daughter.

Look at the timeline wall at the Ahmanson Theatre- it’s on that wall. It’s a rare original company tour? Good for them.

“They’re Playing Our Song” actually opened in LA then went to Broadway and then Sydney. (S-y-d). No one cares about this.

The husband who had to move his seat needed a drink. His wife passed him a water.

Matt decides the song “They’re Playing Our Song” sounds exactly like how you think it would sound.

Matt hates musicals that you can guess how it goes just by the title. It can be more interesting and original. For example the lyric “The Phantom of the Opera is Here” — of course that’s how it sounds.

Jimmy is now singing “The Phantom of the Opera.”

Matt wants Jimmy to make up a name to a song that’s not in a real musical – Jimmy says CATS!

Matt is singing Cats.

A man from the crowd asked if it’s Flash Gordon.

Jimmy decides we need to set up a spouse section.

Lindsey needs a divorce. Her husband interrupted the show to state the obvious. His name is mike.

50:00 – 55:00

They have no kids so there’s still time to get out.

Of course it’s Flash Gordon, Mike.

Matt is gonna tell Mike a quick story… in 1999 Matt’s wife became a huge Dave Matthews Band fan – Matt couldn’t stand them at first but he dove in and started downloading all the hard to find live songs… the moral of the story is commit to Never Not Funny.

Once you pop you can’t stop. That’s Flash Gordon.

Give Jimmy a musical- oh, it’s Lindsey with an “i” not a “y.”

DC stands for Dan Cronin. Who is that joke for? Dan Cronin is a friend of the show. Tell Mike.

Back to Buscemi.

*Jimmy stand up callback* DC is named after a lying wizard… it couldn’t be more obvious he doesn’t know what he’s talking about…

Christine drove from New York to Philly. Met her friend Brittany in Philly and they drove to DC. Hi Brittany!

Christine and Brittany were NBC Pages together.

NBC Pages give tours of different studios in 30 Rock like SNL, Late Night… at the time Dr. Oz.

Jimmy asks Mike if Dr. Oz is handsome. We’re gonna file papers with Lindsey. This is all to gaslight mike. Just like Trump.

55:00 – 60:00

Jimmy wanted to know if Christine and Brittany got to watch the shows. If Pages are working a show they get to watch them.

Jimmy thinks this is like Field of Dreams “If you work them, you can watch them.”

January Jones second husband gets it, Christine and Matt are not on board.

Gloves are off, ok? Fuck Mike. Matt is starting to be on Mike’s side.

We are talking about George Michael the broadcaster. He was based in DC not NY (no not this George Michael)

Matt wants it to be known this is the first time Never Not Funny ISN’T talking about Wham!

Andddddd Wham rap!

Oliver knows all the words to Wham rap and has never been prouder.

Matt wants to know if it’s ok if he gives Oliver some CDs of anything in the last 20 years

And when we say CDs we of course mean Cronin, Dan.

Who are we more proud of — Oliver or that joke? That joke. Oliver is fine.

Matt still wants to help out Oliver. What if he gives him a Run-DMC album?

Based on Wham rap it’s clear Oliver likes rhyming words together. So he might like someone who is actually good at rapping… Matt wants him to have a chance.

Let’s show respect for the DC broadcaster.

Matt just learned the Wham George Michael is dead. He is doing a bit but Jimmy believed him.

Jimmy has never seen Matt act this well in his life. Turns out there were lots of great bits today – like Jimmy with the security guards.

“I would like to see that voice on display”

Matt thinks there are too many statues.

Boy Scout Statue.

Matt thinks DC and Boston have enough statues — they are everywhere you turn.

Who is Gallatin? Jimmy ran right by him.

Gompers is outside of their hotel. Why does he have anything? You know Gompers loves the park. Everlasting Gomp-stopper is a candy.

60:00 – 65:00

Broadway musical about Gompers? Jimmy is singing “Gompers is not my lover” to the tune of Billie Jean. Mike doesn’t know what that is. Why did Lindsey bring Mike to this?

Matt thinks the great irony is that if they never addressed Mike in the first place he might have loved the show.

We hear some sirens outside — we got him!

Jimmy asks the crowd if they goes down to the White House and protest on a daily basis. Some people do.

Matt isn’t watching The Purge on TV. It’s a ten episode mini series.

Bryan with a “y” is. Jimmy likes Bryan with a “y” and someone in the audience yells that Brian with an “i” looks like brain.

Bryan agrees “The Purge” TV show is a little thin.

**MODERN FAMILY SPOILER ALERT AHEAD**

They are talking TV and accidentally said who died in Modern Family. Not everyone heard it.

Jimmy announced that it was actually little Joe who died. He fell in the pool. Matt knows that pool is a liability… but Phil was still out wrestling with a pool noodle. Sad story but great physical comedy.

Matt will tell him later what someone in the crowd said about the spoiler. Or he won’t They aren’t friends.

SEVENNNSSSSS!! Theme song! The audience sings along.
Jimmy wanted the longer version.

Matt says Christine needs to set the score and she goes into a panic.
Jimmy runs off stage to grab the prize!

65:00 – 70:00

Story behind the prize: Jimmy was freezing cold today so they went to CVS and got a beautiful pink DC sweatshirt. By the way this is a gildan.

Whoever wins will get the sweatshirt and the photo of Jimmy standing in front of the White House looking very sad.

Matt will will text it to the winner… actually he’ll airdrop it… orrr he will have them print it… out back… they keep the printer off sight

You know what Jimmy was thinking about? To the assholes who are mad about sharing bathrooms: You share a porta potty your whole life — outside it’s ok — but you put it indoors and now it’s a problem? Is there anything to this comedically? Does this have legs?

Well… while we’re testing out concepts that aren’t funny but might have social value Matt has something to share.

So the White House is the people’s house… but it’s a fucking mansion so it’s not really ours so Matt is pitching an idea where instead of a White House we get an apartment building and you fill the building demogracially with how the country looks.

Seven strangers picked to live – no, 51 strangers picked to live in an apartment (Real World) – we will count Puerto Rico but not DC – they’re too close. And we’re gonna lose North and South Dakota and just make it Dakota.

Anyway… the building reflects society. The president would get the Penthouse and he can use the elevator.

70:00 – 75:00

It’s not a one level building because that’s a mall.

And if someone in the building says to the president “Hey my waters out-” that’s Michigan, the president has to fix it.

This is funny and proactive. Proactive? That has to do with yogurt. No – you put it on your face.

Christine has picked TV shows for Sevens.

The Sopranos, Taxi, (misses Rescue Me), Jay Leno…

Christine got 18.

Now we need a player from the audience.

Jordan went up to play but he’s too tall and must sit.

Jeff is gonna play.

*Check that Jeff is actually not here to play. Jeff is here to apologize about his earlier information – it’s Batman not Daredevil.

Lynnore is up. She’s been married for 4 years. They have kids – one at home and she’s pregnant… she has to sit down, Jimmy doesn’t want to stress her out.

Justin is going to play. Justin is married, his wife’s name is Anna (pronounced like Anna from Frozen) – he tries to recover and say Anna differently but now he has to sit.
Robert is up, but he has to sit.

Connor is up. We already got a Connor. He must sit.

Silvia is up! She’s not married and sitting next to a random person she doesn’t know. He’s with someone else. She’s a civil rights lawyer so she can use Jimmy’s porta potty argument.

75:00 – 80:00

“My Job is My Baby” – sung Broadway style.

Jimmy continues to make up a song: “My baby is my job from 9 – 5 I cradle her in my arms…” — off book suck it!

In honor of Megyn Kelly – Jimmy is now flipping off the audience. We should give her a chance.

Matt notes her argument of “back in her time…” — her time? She’s fucking 40!

Jimmy is singing “She’s a Maniac”

Jimmy is going over the rules of Sevens and the prize. Christine says “You get to keep it!!”

Sevens TV shows!

Don Johnson? Cops in Florida…

Jimmy says it’s a TV show! Shonda Rhimes…

Jimmy says spooky – next one…

Will Smith – “Fresh Prince of Bel Air!”

Nerd show on CBS! Big bang!

“Here’s a story…” – Brady Bunch!

The Good Doctor (**by the way Happy #TheGoodDoctober**) – he’s in prison and rightfully so…

She doesn’t win but gets the sweatshirt! Woo!

Hand for Christine. Hand for Drafthouse. And a hand for Jennifer and Pete

Come by and say hello at the meet and greet!

Thanks to everyone who have been fans for years and of course thanks to Mike

DOUBLE-C!!!! OUT!!!!!!
(I added that sign-off for Christine, since she didn’t have one in the notes. I think it will catch on. I see nothing wrong with it. -Darryl)