1305 – Spelunking with Tommy Johnagin

Tommy Johnagin, owner of the signature Tommy Johnagin voice

Tommy Johnagin, owner of the signature Tommy Johnagin voice

Jimmy Pardo welcomes Tommy Johnagin for Never Not Funny 1305

In-Studio Notes by Garon Cockrell

NNF 1305 – Tommy Johnagin



00 – Hello everybody!  Indeed!  Jimmy’s rattled.  Tommy Johnagin will be here shortly.  Jimmy was late.  Jimmy held hostage by his water guy.  Matt asks if it’s adam sandler.    His water guy is a great guy but does not acknowledge body language.   He keeps coming back!  Matt says to dispose of him.    Jimmy dealing with a water guy hostage situation.   Whitey Bulger found guilty! http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-whitey-bulger-20130812,0,4747173.story  Matt tells a story.  Jimmy allows his chair to turn away from him.

05 – Matt wants a bike!  His old Bike was stolen from his West Hollywood house (they left the seat!).  It was a Gary Fisher, considered one of the inventors of the Mountain Bike.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Fisher

Matt doesn’t want a Cruiser.  He wants to be able to go whenever he wants to go.   Cheap bike for Matt = $500 on Amazon or a $375 lesser cousin.  A Diamondback.   Jimmy does Ed Wynn doing Obvious Trivia.  Eliot tries to shoot Matt’s feet.  Jimmy calls him Scorsese and tells him to get back in his box.

10 – Matt went to a store that is an authority on sports.   So many confusing bike options.  He was able to get the new version of the bike for a cheaper price.    I had to run out to answer Jimmy’s phone!  Matt gets a $500 bike for $319!

15 – Matt beat the authority!  He did get the warranty for $25 bucks.  Covers all but the tubes.   Safety first on the mountain bike 3 and 6.    Jimmy’s Miata bike is made for the Asians.  Jimmy is proud of Matt for getting his deal.

20 – Jimmy does the jingle for Midwest store Menards (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menards).  Check out the new shirt for the My Brother and Elite packages.    99 band is Toto!  Jimmy is disgusted with Eliot as his jokes are costing us subscribers.  He is full of compliments while dressing him down.

25 – Best Opening Credits on a podcast award for Eliot, that said why did they give him a raise?  Season 14 gonna have some cutbacks.  Mind your Ps and Qs Eliot!   Matt gives Jimmy an envelope and he does his Johnny Carson guessing the envelope stuff.   It’s a check!  Jimmy got a new TV.  Went with the Hagar, 55 inches.  He went with a LG.  55inch 3D Smart TV.  Oliver loves the 3D!   60 inches is 30 of Jimmy’s cocks.   Like $900 cheaper online.

30 – Wash your new NNF bags on cold!!

We’ll be back!

We’re back!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl-_AaIedZQ – Mernards commercial!

We are not sponsored by menards that was satire and for humor.  Great price for an Algiers drop in!   Young African children dug them out of a porcelain mine.   Jimmy goes on again about child labor being prostitution or shoemaking.

35 – Chinese Laundry young Asian kids making shoes.   Fuji is an apple and a bike.   Eliot is on Orange is the New Black.    Most of us are caught up on Breaking Bad.    Matt says Jimmy can introduce him at the beginning of the show but Jimmy likes going around the room.

40 – Tommy Johnagin is here!!  He doesn’t like his voice.  Jimmy disagrees.   Tommy had one of Jimmy’s favorite moments form the Write Now pilot.   They have a picture together on a plane from Detroit to LA.    Prices to Detroit are bonkers.  (I’m flying back and it was $500).   They had a scientist who was a fan of Jimmy on the flight with them.  Jimmy went to a jazz show apparently.  Hence, “Cat”.  Tommy does not have a bike and fears riding in Los Angeles.   Eliot called DP by Jimmy.  Director of Photog or Double Penetration.

45 – Jimmy was running through a shanty town and was very uncomfortable.  Though the might get attacked by a homeless.  The LA river runs all over town.  Canoe on the LA River?  http://lariverexpeditions.com/

Jimmy still training for a half marathon. (you only need 3 ks to hate black people!)  Tommy wonders if Jimmy will run a full marathon.  He thinks realistically he could do a full marathon in a year.  He did the 5k in 27 minutes.  Jimmy thinks he is in the best shape of his life but still eats like an asshole.  He’s been sober for 14 years.  His dad sent him a card toasting his bday.   Tommy took coors to a party where the guy was sober

50 –  Truth about 6-pack rings:  http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1336/should-you-cut-up-six-pack-rings-so-they-dont-choke-sea-birds  The fact is, however, that the six-pack-ring threat has been greatly exaggerated. According to the Center for Marine Conservation, only 50,000 of the 10.4 million items collected during the 1998 cleanup (0.48 percent) were six-pack rings. Between 1988 and 1998, U.S. cleanups uncovered 1,089 instances of animal entanglement, but only 72 (7 percent) involved six-pack rings.

No one collects beer cans.

Talk about the Belknap cave!  Matt thinks they opened the entrance a bit.  

Meramec Caverns – http://www.americascave.com/

55 –

According to the Dictionary of Geological Terms

Cave – A natural cavity, recess, chamber, or series of chambers and galleries beneath the surface of the earth, large enough for a person to enter.

Cavern – A syn. of cave, with the implication of large size, a system or series of caves or cave chambers.

Tommy’s daughter is named Harper she’s 10 ½ months.  Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird, is a woman.  His kid says dada, book, duck, bottle, mama, and fuck (once) (on accident).  She started walking at 9 months!  Tommy worries that he wont be a good dad.  Jimmy confirms they we all worry about that.  Tommy thinks the financial crisis started when men stopped being cowboys and farmers.   He doesn’t understand why he loves her so much if she hasn’t done anything to earn it.  Jimmy says, not to be cliché, but to enjoy it while you can.  Oliver says escept instead of except. “I like everything about you except for your face.” – Matt.

60 – “Poppop has none hair.” – Zoe.  Jimmy confirms Matt was a failure for the first two years.  Tommy says that Jody Arias’ father thinks that there are things he could have done differently.  Tommy’s Butte fantasy is over and any failure fantasies are gone now because of his daughter.  Jimmy brings up Brian Regan as an example of success without a TV show.   Jimmy and Matt both say they think Tommy could be as good as Brian Regan.

65 – Tommy thought it’d be great if Conan gave his baby her first cold.    Late night show sets are a really big deal to Tommy.  He had a bunch of people surrounding him at a recent conan appearance because he sold a TV show.  Didn’t know most of them.  “If you need to introduce yourself. Stay home and email me.”  Diet Root Beer gives Jimmy stomach issues, emergency stomach issues.”

Root Beer comes from Sassafras Root.  And MOST don’t have caffeine.  I can only find Barqs.

70 – Stop carrying around giant water bottles body builders!  Jimmy says Reegan Berns is RIPPED!

We’ll be back!

We’re back!

Tommy scared the hell out of Jimmy in route to bathroom.   Tommy does not love The Boss as much as others, Jimmy feels the same.   Tommy wonders if people would have bought springsteen albums in an itunes world.  Jimmy goes through the Born To Run track listing.  5 Great songs on that album.  So yes, Jimmy buys the album.

75 – Tommy thinks one day we will all be slaves to Amazon.   Jimmy thinks Amazon owns Chipotle.  Jimmy goes through Born in the USA tracklisting (7 singles).  The point is we should like Springsteen more than we do.  Same with Bob Dylan.    Jimmy says you only need The Essential Bob Dylan.    Tommy almost exclusively listened to country until he was 24.

80 – Jimmy has seen Chicago over 100 times!  He’s been seeing them since 1981.  Let’s learn about caves!  Do we call Micah or Karen?  We’re calling Karen!   Karen may not be as knowledgeable as she led us to believe.   Get passed the nerves Karen! Cave and Caverns are basically the same thing.   Karen is 28, right in Jimmy’s wheelhouse.

85 – Karen going to school for nursing.  Jimmy says she knows how to coddle a sick man.   She also works at JC Penny.   She works in men’s basics.  Underpants, socks, etc.  They make a nice underpant according to Jimmy.

90 – Jimmy’s new suits get less notice than his old JC Penny suits.  Karen is a joy and she is a Primo member.   Karen knew nothing about caves so we gotta get Micah on.  Dan Soder was the comic on Karen’s Conan. Bye Karen!    Karen seems like a 70s name.   Tommy guesses the end of Breaking Bad is Walt Jr. walking off Usual Suspects style.

95 – We’re calling Micah! Micah Meyers from Virginia.   Micah knows about caves as he read the Wikipedia on them.  Micah is a comic book letterer married with a boy and a girl.

100 – Yogi Bear that son of a bitch – Jimmy.  Micah was married at 19!  Hardcastled.  Micah is jewish and german!   Good kid, Micah.  Jimmy thinks he was enjoying the bong.   Dave Matthews was born in South Africa but grew up in Virginia.  Tommy says Karen is pretty.

A pleasure to have Tommy back!  Jimmy calls tommy baby and is not comfortable with it.

We’re done!

See you next week!

My Pleasure,

– Garon/The Thief/Cuban Defector/Scout/The Beast