907 – Maria Bamford
INTRO: Jimmy is still the host, despite ongoing threats of replacement
1:48 Eight Miles High (Sorry Jimmy, not Three Miles High)
2:30 Dragging Oliver around the midwest
3:40 Jimmy needs Dan’s iPad NOW!!!!!
4:10 Eliot totally outs Dan!
4:45 Jimmy taught Oliver about cheese-cutting
5:10 Eliot’s thumb
6:00 The end of last week’s show
6:45 Eliot’s video and correction skills
7:00 Matt needs a haircut
8:30 Jimmy ate like an asshole for days
9:40 Maria doesn’t have Michael Winslow-like chops
10:30 Humidity creates a whole new world
11:30 Maria’s extensive resume
12:15 Jimmy back to shock-jock mode
12:45 E.G. Daley’s resume. And breasts.
13:30 Jimmy is frustrated with Dan-related technology
15:45 Maria recognizes the beauty in the human body
16:00 When was Maria last on?
16:40 Maria’s mom heckles her online
17:15 Inappropriate content on Maria’s mom’s facebook page
19:30 Maria animates Oprah magazine
21:10 Mark this part for the opening montage!
22:15 Maria only watches OWN
22:15 Rehab Animal Hoarders on TLC
24:00 Maria has channel-changing issues
25:00 How Maria spends her time
26:00 Television watching is a part-time job
26:45 “That one” = Zoe
27:00 Upside down guys on kid’s TV (Umbilical Brothers)
27:30 What’s on your DVR?
28:40 Mall openings
29:20 Dan killed Betty Ford
29:30 Maria wants a rehab vacation
31:20 A Million Little Pieces lied to Jimmy
32:00 Lying to others and yourself
33:40 Jimmy’s Jim-Belushi-like cousin
34:30 Jim Belushi’s looks and personality
35:30 Maria reprises her Powerful Monkey philosophy (Book: Fame Junkies)
35:45 Monkies might not even like bananas!
34:15 The monkey self-portrait
38:00 Did Jimmy see a monkey and duck on the internet?
(Maybe it was this kitty and duck picture from #906 notes?)
38:40 Origin of fuckaduck
39:00 President Polk
40:45 Farmers and hipster urban farmers
42:30 Jimmy is fake-mad at Dan again
43:00 Maria is trying to build community by having a bench
44:00 Apple pie is healthy
44:45 Mick LaMode of Depeche Mode
46:00 Maria is a secret kid-mentorer, which may not be legal or appropriate
47:00 Bruce Smith, Manager extraordinaire!
47:40 Maria’s career is done
49:00 Why have a podcast instead of just lunch? (This isn’t about Michelle is it?)
50:00 Maria prepares for her wheelchair days, and Jimmy gets ahead of her joke
51:15 You down with PPA?
51:30 Maria bombing
52:00 Maria has a drinking problem
52:50 Matt speaks for us!
52:10 Maria bombs
55:00 Jackie Kashian saves the day
56:15 Eaaasyyyy power-suit!
58:10 Maria likes a slow relationship
58:40 Jimmy is fascinated by Maria’s love life
59:30 Meeting people online still leads to a dinner
61:20 Ponderosa and Bonanza boo-fay
63:00 Maria loves the Golden Corral
64:45 Put another scoop o’ chicken on there my man
65:20 How many times can a Subway have a crisis?
67:00 BREAK – Plugging ROCK SOLID
70:00 Jimmy continues to obsess about the neighbor’s business
70:30 Maria goes to ask about their business
71:30 If you just joined us, that’s weird
73:00 Maria returns with the inside scoop on the what business the neighbor is in
75:45 Maria has more balls than any other guest or cast member
74:30 Eliot crawls around Rambo-style
75:15 Shaving on the go / Whiskers on My Chest
76:20 Guinea pig running up stairs
77:00 Matt wants to know the mechanics of guinea pig running
77:30 Bruce Smith, 3-Voice Comedian Agent
78:00 Cajun Jimmy shows up
79:00 More speculation about the neighbor’s business
80:15 Maria’s social activities
80:40 Maria’s meditation via podcast
83:40 Maria’s possum-like defense reflex kicks in
85:00 How to relax
86:00 80s Jimmy Pardo, king of the bolo ties
88:00 Middle eastern scarves
89:00 The most racist thing ever said to Jimmy after a show
91:00 Theo’s best friend Cockroach
91:30 Upcoming shows and Flappers in Burbank
92:30 Eric Clapton / Slowhand / I Want a Man with a Slow Hand
93:45 Meditation by Matt’s mom
94:05 Maria: “You’re kinda being an asshole about it, right?”
94:30 Starting Over with Iyanla Vanzant and Rana Walker
96:00 Here comes the bit: Maria challenges her sister with negative thoughts
97:20 Tweeting negative things @MariaBamfoo
98:00 Why jump through hoops to be a hater?
98:55 Maria is doing emotional sudoku
99:15 C’mon Toddy!!!!
99:45 Maria want to be squeezed by her parents autistic-style
100:30 Jimmy is gonna start Twittering!!! I’m sure he is 100% serious.
101:10 Patton Oswalt is a Twitter King-maker!!!!
102:00 Do we need Google Plus?
102:30 Maria: “MySpace is like an abandoned building that I own!”
103:00 Matt is worried about Magoo, Timbaland’s partner
103:45 We gotta go now, we gotta go!
104:30 Guess Jimmy’s noise imitation – A new fun segment!
106:10 Maria filters her dates via phone
106:45 We gotta go now, we gotta go! (Reprise)
107:00 Cajun Jimmy, your overnight DJ
107:30 Over-explaining the blank stare
108:15 Plugging San Francisco
AK-47 gone, not forgotten
————-IN STUDIO NOTES BY DAN KATZ—————
0 – Jimmy Pardo heard on TMZ that Charlie Sheen is in talks to replace him as host. Jimmy taught Oliver “Who cut the cheese?”
5 – Matt needs a haircut. Jimmy was in Chicago, ate like an asshole, and sweated like crazy.
10 – The guys fixate on EG Daily.
15 – Guest Maria Bamford has had to block her mom on facebook because she is “earthy.”
***19 minutes in: Maria Bamford’s “MMMM HMMMM” is quotable
20 – Maria “only has one cable channel.”
25 – Watching TV is a commitment. Maria would like to go to rehab.
30 – Jimmy’s uncle accidentally insulted his own son (Jimmy’s cousin) by comparing his life to “According to Jim.”
35 – The guys try to learn the origin of “go fuck a duck”
40 – Jimmy talks about his fictional friend, Vick LaMode.
45 – Maria’s been mentoring children. No one knows about it.
50 – Maria pours water all over herself. She also talks about an evening where she bombed.
55 – Maria talks about her dating life.
60 – The guys talk buffets.
0 – Maria went out to find out what kind of business the NNF neighbors are in.
5 – Jimmy and Maria may have to do a character-off.
10 – Maria talks about what she does to chill out.
15 – Jimmy meditates with Miami Vice. Jimmy talks about a racist situation in Oklahoma.
20 – I spent six minutes trying to find a Bruce Springsteen song.
25 – 35: The guys talk about internet haters.
AK-47 gone, not forgotten
———IN-STUDIO NOTES (actually out of studio) BY DAN KATZ——–
Throw * in for potential iconic quotes
0 – Much appreciation to those who’ve purchased the various VIP packages. Much appreciation to everyone else as well. “Seasons Change” sing-a-long. Jimmy has strep again. Again. Little bit of drizzle outside. Jimmy has a story of when he stood up for himself w/o having to apologize. Bradley Burlingame, Dan Katz for the day, is guest-interning.
5 – Dan’s in New York again. Why? Burlingame has been discussed in the past, because he at one time applied for the NNF internship, but didn’t show up to the interview, because he lacks a passion for facebook. Jimmy talks about a street that makes him sing every time he passes it. Jimmy talks about these awesome TWEAKED headphones and then about how him and Matt get lost in conversation from time to time.
10 – Dice Clay’s lady makes an appearance. Matt didn’t get a good night sleep because his daughter slept in the bed last night. Guest Al Madrigal is brought into the mix. Jimmy wanted to get Al back on the show for a while, and it’s finally happened.
15 – Al hates Dice Clay and believes he ripped his act off of a dead comic. Al talks about how his buddy Freddy used to work for Dice and he told stories about how Dice used to eat at restaurants and insist they give him the plates.
20 – Then Freddy died and Al was in charge of his estate and the whole thing was a nightmare, ‘cause Freddy’s wife was a handful. Al went to Dice for compassion and Dice screwed him over.
25 – One of the acts Dice stole from is “Otto & George,” a dirty ventriloquist act. Al and Dice have the same cleaning lady.
30 – Al went to an MTV movie awards after party and the guys talk about the toxic environment of it. The guys shit on Chelsea Handler.
35 – Al has a new show that he’s doing with a bunch of his comedian friends and he’s very happy to be on it.
40 – Jimmy loves Al’s show. The guys talk about how Jimmy helps out his friends right before they go up on the Conan show.
45 – Al “became” a “Mexican” comic when he moved to LA. He’s not Mexican. Al’s kid loves Jim Gaffigan.
50 – The guys talk about the Leno show and how when people talk about Leno, they get phone calls about it.
55 – Al’s wife won’t let the kids get into bed with them. She’s very strict. Al talks about his ridiculous dog, Henry Noodles.
60 – Al’s been flying off the handle after this. Burlingame’s doing a great job.
0 – The guys witnessed the aftermath of a car accident during the break. Jimmy’s wearing the “I can’t even imagine” tee shirt and the guy who designed these shirts is having a tee shirt sale. Al is making shirts for his son’s birthday; the shirts are based on “wizards of waverly place.” The guys talk about comics getting escorted and driven to gigs that are extremely small distances from their hotel.
5 – The guys talk about selling their own CD’s.
10 – Jimmy and Al talk about altercations they’ve had in elevators.
15 – Al talks about going 0 – 60 on an audience member with an ipad and on a fellow comic.
20 – Al talks about the worst New Years Eve ever.
25 – Jimmy gets in an altercation at a Beverly Hills children’s birthday party
30 – Jimmy and Al want nothing to do with the dads of their kids’ peers.